Author J Roe

Writing quirky characters on redemptive journeys

Depression

How to Choose the Right Book for Your Mood

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If you head over to Instagram, you’ll find all kinds of readers, self-professed book lovers, who are constantly sharing their favorite novels. They take beautiful pictures of book flatlays or do funny dances on their reels sharing what they loved and hated. But the question always comes down to what a book lover should reach for next. Just because you loved this particular author or series, are you really in the mood for more of that, or do you need something different? Are you a reader in search of the right formula to determine how to choose the right book for your mood?

What is a moody reader?

First, I need to state that not all of us bookworms are needing a formula. Many readers have a system that works for them. They have go-to authors or genres that they know will satisfy their book-cravings no matter what else is happening in their lives. What happened at work or in their personal lives does not change what they want to read. Horrible traffic or a screaming toddler who won’t go down for a nap? Doesn’t matter. They can just go on blissful autopilot when clicking for the next book.

But, if you are like me, you are HIGHLY impacted by your mood. In fact, your Goodreads might have several books “open” at a time on your “currently reading shelf”. Each day you might even be making progress in a different book. Go ahead, scroll through my Goodreads account. It will seem completely random, but I have discovered that it is anything BUT random.

How the pandemic changed my reading life

My mental health and current environment directly impact how I am feeling and what I’m reading. Right now my environment is still made up of a tightly knit family of Bible-believing bookworms who are still stuck at home due to the global pandemic. Struggling with chronic pain as well as depression and anxiety during the best of times, this past year has been . . . interesting.

Before the pandemic, I was reaching for lots of angsty young adult fantasy and Christian romantic suspense as my comfort reads. I loved the fast-pace and coming-of-age story arcs common in the former and the intrigue with the love story of the latter. But listening to fiction audiobooks? No, thank you. It literally put me to sleep. I preferred paperback to ebooks and hardbacks to paperback. Let me smell my fiction. Raise your hand if you’re a book-sniffer, too!

Now? I am still reading young adult fantasy books, but because of the angst level in many of those books, I have discovered that middle grade fantasy and clean romance/romantic comedies are more comforting right now. Fun action with magical worlds is still necessary, but I also need simple plot lines where two people have the promise of a happily-ever-after at the end of each book. Also, I’m taking greater care with my spiritual life, knowing it impacts my mental health directly. I used to sit and read my Bible almost every day (hey, I’m not perfect. I’d miss some days here and there.) But all of a sudden, I just couldn’t read it with my eyes anymore. I don’t know why, so I tried audio. Now, I’m listening to more of the Bible than I used to read daily and it is making a huge difference. As my speed in reading has increased, I also started gravitating towards ebooks. And once I started listening to the Bible, I tried ya fantasy and that was a win, too. Who knew?

How to judge the mood of a book

How did I know I needed to change my reading habits? I was no longer excited about reading. Simple as that. What had once been enjoyable suddenly felt like work. So I changed it up by noticing what was engaging and in what format I found it engaging. Mental health is a weird beast, but I’ve learned that if I remain flexible, my overall health benefits.

So, as you look to what you might need in your reading life right now, look closely at the covers. What colors and images are pulling you in? You’ll know it when you see it. Now, glance at the book description. What keywords are standing out? Are you finding that you like the sound of a straightforward, problem-solving, how-to book instead of a novel? Check out some self-help based on your interests in self-improvement. Do you desire to escape into a paranormal world where people are not what they seem and you can imagine you have secret gifts waiting to be discovered? Why not try paranormal fantasy? Or maybe, you feel drawn to something with comforting words, something that feels like a warm hug with a cookie (or biscuit for my UK friends) on the side. Cozy (or cosy) mysteries might be exactly what you need.

How to choose the right book for your mood

Do I think this will be forever? I doubt it. I’ve gone through many reading stages in my life and I always come back around to loving anything fantasy-related, so that’s a staple for me. Like I said, I’m still reading young adult fantasy, just enjoying it through my ears right now. I’ve also usually reached for something that had some sort of love-story, but because of my faith I choose to keep the steam-level to a minimum. That’s me, but what are you like?

At the time of writing this, vaccines are coming out and hope is on the horizon. Maybe there is peace ahead of us. But at the same time, racism is raging and the cancel-culture has people taking offense over so many details that many of us can’t keep up. If you’re a mood reader, you’ll be impacted by these things and need to choose your books wisely. Be open to new ways of thinking, but also be true to what you know is right. If you need escapism, choose something fun. If you’re ready for some deep thinking, go for it! Whatever you choose, enjoy your reading life and don’t let it become work.

Free Book(s) for you

If you are ready to try something new, why not sign up for my newsletter list and receive the prequel (free-quel) to Rapunzel’s journey, Before the Tower? You’ll get at least one email from me each month containing book recommendations and silly, bookish fun to engage your imagination and make you smile. Not ready for the commitment of a newsletter? You can wait on the prequel and start at book one for free. Click here to meet Rapunzel in Beyond the Tower as she stumbles through the fairy tale world after the witch casts her out. Book one is available in paperback and on all the online retailers where you can grab your copy now.

About JacQueline

As the author of  The Journey series, a young adult fantasy retelling Rapunzel’s misadventures, JacQueline also wrote Memoirs of a Headcase: Held by the God of Hope, to share hope in the battle against chronic pain and depression. Currently she lives in North Alabama with her karate husband and three book-crazy kids. All opinions expressed on this website come from her own experience. Do not substitute it for professional therapy or medical advice. Any affiliate links used on this website will provide additional income to JacQueline’s family at no additional cost to you.

If you are a reader wanting to connect with JacQueline, you can get a free book here. Each month you will receive book recommendations and other booknerd fun.

Are you a writer or an author looking for help? JacQueline has been writing all her life and loves meeting others who think writing is living. As an author coach, helping other writers on their journey gives her joy. Schedule your free coaching call to learn what steps you should take next now.

Photo Credit: Sincerely Media, Sincerely Media, Natasha Tirtabrata, Silviarita, and Tesjavi Ganjoo.

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Gratitude and Gardening During Lockdown

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Do you believe that gratitude and gardening during lockdown might lead us to enjoy life? Perhaps not a few months ago. But things have changed drastically since COVID 19 took over our lives. There are two ways to approach things, and I think gratitude, with a bit of gardening, can open our eyes.

Gratitude and Gardening

The irises and honey suckle are blooming behind my house, filling the air with a sweet fragrance. Wind rustles through the leaves, sounding like the waves coming up to shore. Everyday I see people enjoying the changing of the season–taking walks, smiling, and waving. Gardens are planted and weeded. DIY projects are at an all-time high with triple the normal sales at hardware and home improvement stores.

But I know that people are panicking, I’ve struggled with it despite the beauty of the season. There are many people out of work due to COVID 19, small business owners everywhere struggling to pivot in order to make sales online instead of in-person. Exhausted family members continue the tasks of being the only one out of the house. High-risk individuals self-quarantining feel cut-off.

It’s hard to see beauty and recognize what we have to be grateful for when we focus on what’s going wrong.

Gratitude During Hardships

If we don’t count our blessings–the flowers blooming, families walking outside together, etc.–our vision will narrow to the hardships. We foresee a dark world getting darker still. Instead of accessing the thankful heart we could grow and develop in our homes, we become the worst version of ouselves. I personally struggle with this. My tone becomes defensive, bitter, and I bite off the heads of people I profess to love. Family members have jerked away from me recently and I finally realized: I’ve allowed my fears to emerge, to take over.

It’s time for many of us to make space so we can take a step back. Refocus our eyes and ears, listen to God stir the wind through the trees. Breathe in deeply the fragrance of the flowers He’s awoken.

Mommie’s Legacy: My Upbringing to the Rescue

My mommie taught me this. When I first became ill with chronic migraines in high school, my vision narrowed then as well. My pain became everything to me. It determined when and what I ate. It determined where I went and what I wore. It even determined who I saw and what I was able to accomplish. Sound familiar? I had been a gregarious and silly teenager who loved to think deep thoughts and laugh loudly with friends. But I quickly morphed into a moody, light-sensitive, sound-sensitive agoraphobic, who clung to my home as though its dark rooms could shelter me from the pain.

My mommie handed me a book that helped me begin listing everything I was grateful for, everything that lifted my eyes beyond my pain to what was good, and right, and true. (see Philippians 4:8) My fingers stumbled at first, scratching out words slowly. Then, the words came in a rush, flowing through me. I covered at least three pages and could have kept going. The girl that loved the life she’d been given was still alive inside me. Just because I was in pain didn’t mean I couldn’t enjoy my life.

Gratitude and Gardening During Lockdown

This pandemic lockdown has shut so many of us in, and I’ve found myself panicking as the feeling is all too familiar. But after talking to my counselor, I’m back to counting my blessings, focusing my mind on what is right and true. I have a home, a family, even flowers. My body can take walks. Last spring, I couldn’t do that. Pain and grief had overwhelmed me. I’m going to celebrate what I can do, not be upset that I can’t go to my favorite coffee shop. Maybe you and I can both choose joy and gratitude together despite the pain and fear.

Gratitude and gardening during lockdown may sound too simplistic, I know. There is real pain, real fear. I also know the key isn’t actually working in the dirt. You may hate gardening, and that’s fine. The key here is where is your focus? Have you concentrated on what you are blessed with? Or are you stressing about what you don’t have and all the horrible things that may happen?

Yes, little is certain, but we have been given this moment. We each have something, and it can be something small, to be grateful for. And with whatever is beautiful, we can share with others. Don’t make it complicated. It can be through a phone call, a gift placed on a doorstep, a six-foot-distanced visit outdoors. Our lives are a precious gift and even in the midst of hardship, we need to refocus, give thanks. I know this is changing me. What can you be grateful for?

During a crisis, our vision can narrow to what is wrong. But through practicing gratitude and gardening during lockdown, my new focus has helped me fight depression and chronic illness. Whether you are deciding if you should check out gardening for beginners or looking for self-discovery journal prompts, practicing gratitude in your daily life will change you. #gratitude #chronicillness #gardening #mentalhealth

About JacQueline

JacQueline Vaughn Roe

Author of  The Journey series, a young adult fantasy retelling Rapunzel’s misadventures, and  Memoirs of a Headcase: Held by the God of Hope, which chronicles her battle with chronic pain and depression, JacQueline uses her writing to share stories of hope and joy. Any affiliate links used on this website will provide additional income to JacQueline to keep her writing healthy at no additional cost to you. 

JacQueline currently lives in North Alabama with her karate husband and three book-crazy kids. All of her writing is from her own experience and based on her opinion. Please don’t substitute it for a professional therapist.

photography: Alex Basov, Annie Spratt, Meg Landrito, and Jessica “Kess” Vaughn.

Graphic Design for Social Media: JacQueline Vaughn Roe. Contact her for help with graphic design or other author services.

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Celebrating the End of a Hard Year

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This is not the end

How can we say we are celebrating the year if it was hard? If you’ve been struggling with illness, grief, job loss, or relationship issues, maybe you don’t know how. One look at my KanBan board reveals rows and rows of sticky note goals that haven’t been achieved and moved into the “CELEBRATE!” column.

When we are dealing with obstacles thrown into our path during life’s journey, discouragement tells us we are failures. But, what if we look beyond the planned success on our vision boards? I think there are things each of us have learned, perhaps the hard way, that are worth recognizing. Why not end the year celebrating those victories so that we can begin looking for such treasures in the New Year?

As you can see, I haven’t been able to “clear” my “to-do’s” on my KanBan Board.

Celebrating the Year: Recognize when coping becomes healing

I remember when I was younger a well-meaning teacher told me that coping was unhealthy. It was the path of developing strategies to avoid what needed to be dealt with. Being young and impressionable, I took her word for it and began to despise the word. I scrutinized and judged everyone around me who used coping mechanisms to survive.

But I’ve been trying to recover and heal from several things this year. For months, I was avoiding pain, both physical and emotional. Most of us have done this at one point in our lives, and there’s a cost. For me, migraines became debilitating and led to a dark depression riddled with suicidal thoughts.

My counselor has reminded me that we have to live our lives, not escape them. We must journey through the low points to reach the other side of healing. I’ve had to learn to process pain differently and try several different ways of relieving it because my body doesn’t respond well to many medicinal or natural remedies. Developing coping mechanisms to process has helped me work through my issues.

Prayer walking and #walkthankful

Below I use links to a fitness resource I have found essential for my chronic illness issues. Here is the link to their free open house during which you can try out all their courses and workouts free for the month of December. If you use any of these links, please know I will receive a small affiliate payment that will cost you nothing extra ONLY if you decide to invest at the end of the open house.

Recognizing I have to deal with the pain in my life, including the aching loss of my sister, I have begun moving my body again. Last November, right before my sister’s death, I joined the #walkthankful challenge by Fit2B. In it, you take a walk every day for the month and contemplate what you are thankful for. My life had become about migraines and my sister’s brain-injury, so I wanted to participate even if we couldn’t do it every day. I loved those short walks with her and I miss them.

Taking walks after her death felt impossible, but I knew I needed the warmth of movement to heal. So I began prayer-walking, pouring out my anger and anxiety to the God I was having a hard time trusting. As I walked through the pouring rain last spring, I cried. During the blazing hot months of summer, I shielded my eyes with sunglasses and decided to keep walking, keep praying, keep sweating. My mind would drift and it became less and less about my pain and more about the beauty the Creator had surrounded me with. By the time November came, I was ready and needing to walk in gratitude, even though it hurt to live through the horrible anniversary of her death.

Bonding with children and friends

What shouldn’t have surprised any of us is how God layers our days with support if we open our eyes. I had started counseling again, uprooting some bad habits and developing some healthier ones. My children often go on walks with me. My youngest loves chattering away happily as we discover secret pathways through our suburban neighborhood. Friends through FaceBook pray for me and my family, reaching out as we continue along. Fellow readers and writers on Instagram and Twitter have sent messages of support. I’ve even had readers of my books check in on me, people who feel like they know me simply because I have shared stories with them.

This linked-up community of chronic illness warriors has been a lifeline to so many, but I think it can go far beyond that. I believe people long for connection, but sometimes we have to take steps to make it happen. A year ago, when my sister Joy died, neighbors reached out to me. On her birthday, I made cookies in her memory, and went door to door delivering them. I did it because I wanted to do something good. Why not take the little bit of energy we have and do nice things for others? It took the focus off of me and my pain and placed it on others. I know we can’t do it all the time, but this was worth it. Though surprised, my neighbors and I had nice chats. My plan is to do this every year on Joy’s birthday.

Celebrating the Year: what to do with unmet goals

Over the past year, I thought I would have written two more books than I have. Instead, I’ve been processing, journaling, learning what I need to in order to survive this season. When I write my next memoir/Biblestudy, I pray it will have the depth and resolution it needs to help others. I can celebrate publishing Before the Tower and Amidst the Castles, but . . . It’s hard to let go those that didn’t happen. Each of my writing projects took longer and more out of me than I anticipated. I bet you understand. Those obstacles really take it out of us, don’t they?

I don’t yet have a great grasp on how long it takes me to accomplish things, but I do know I won’t quit until I have completed each project. The last novel for this year, Within the Spell, is finally through edits. It came out today, just in time for Christmas. *Deep Breath* It’s been a hard journey, but I’ve made progress and it’s worth celebrating this year. We learn, right? Let’s look at the next year and keep striving, but not pushing too hard or too fast.

Please share with us, what unexpected lesson learned can we celebrate with you? What path did you travel that you might not have wanted to, but you’re stronger for having traversed?

JacQueline Vaughn Roe

About JacQueline

As the author of  The Journey series, a young adult fantasy retelling Rapunzel’s misadventures, JacQueline also wrote Memoirs of a Headcase: Held by the God of Hope, to share hope in the battle against chronic pain and depression. Currently she lives in North Alabama with her karate husband and three book-crazy kids. All opinions expressed on this website come from her own experience. Do not substitute it for professional therapy or medical advice. Any affiliate links used on this website will provide additional income to JacQueline’s family at no additional cost to you.

If you are a reader wanting to connect with JacQueline, you can get a free book here. Each month you will receive book recommendations and other booknerd fun.

Are you a writer or an author looking for help? JacQueline has been writing all her life and loves meeting others who think writing is living. As an author coach, helping other writers on their journey gives her joy. Schedule your free coaching call to learn what steps you should take next now.

Graphic Design for Social Media: JacQueline Vaughn Roe. Contact her for help with graphic design or other author services.

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Is the Cost of Living Worth the Pain?

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Do you think the cost of living isn't worth the pain of chronic illness? Spoonies like us can struggle with exhaustion and wonder how to live a life with limited abilities and energy. There's a way to schedule in fun and make room for living. Click through and let’s figure it out together! #chronic #illness #chronicillness #grief #loss #chronicmigraines #spoonie #spoonies #grieving #chronicpain #chronic #organizing #depression #mentalhealth #mentalillness #spoonielife #scheduling #plannerbabe

What is the Cost of Living?

I need to ask, Is the cost of living worth the pain? I know this question is a little frightening. We don’t want to talk about it, do we? Those who are risk-averse may understand what I’m about to share here. Many of us have past experience that tells us that life is costly, and those of us dealing with grief or any sort of health issues know that we are going to pay physically for every choice we make. And if we end up paying physically, there may be a financial cost as well.

It may seem better, easier to hide from the pain by not committing to things. I have done this and I have missed out on so much.

If you are bold, confident, and never struggle with indecision, you may be wondering what is wrong with everyone else. I know not everyone has the same issues, but you may be friends with or even be married to someone who does. Are you wondering, why are they so anxious? What is their deal? Just make a decision and move forward!

Do you think the cost of living isn't worth the pain of chronic illness? Spoonies like us can struggle with exhaustion and wonder how to live a life with limited abilities and energy. There's a way to schedule in fun and make room for living. Click through and let’s figure it out together! #chronic #illness #chronicillness #grief #loss #chronicmigraines #spoonie #spoonies #grieving #chronicpain #chronic #organizing #depression #mentalhealth #mentalillness #spoonielife #scheduling #plannerbabe

Honestly? Impulsively plunging into something that is necessary or even sounds fun can become terrifying. Many of us are convinced we have to weigh the options. We may do this for days, going back and forth. And then, when we’ve finally made the choice, we end up second-guessing. We fear we were selfish using our energy the way we chose. Did we do enough for others with what we had? Why can’t we just do all the things?

A Painful Lesson in Organization

I’ve shared before that this past year has been difficult for our family. Right now, we are approaching the one-year anniversary of losing my sister, for whom I was a caregiver, in freak accident. My health, which was hampered by debilitating migraines before her death, has deteriorated as I tried to avoid the pain of grief. But in the past few months I’ve been meeting with a grief counselor, journaling, and confronting the depression and anxiety that gives me worse migraines and leads me to want to quit living.

As I have started to finally mourn, what I have discovered I hope will help others. One of the most incredible things in our lives is something I openly confess to you I am HORRIBLE AT. Organizing. I am a scattered, creative-type who finds people who know where to put things fascinating. Who are these demi-gods? But even in the midst of grieving, I have had big goals and great dreams, and I knew I needed to make room to try to reach them. That meant goal-setting, scheduling, etc. But anyone working through illness or grief or even just struggling with limited resources knows that the best-laid plans often get side-lined.

But what if we also make room for recovery, what if we make room for the movement of life–both inhaling and exhaling? What if we organize a silly week of fun, counting in the cost of living with limited abilities?

Do you think the cost of living isn't worth the pain of chronic illness? Spoonies like us can struggle with exhaustion and wonder how to live a life with limited abilities and energy. There's a way to schedule in fun and make room for living. Click through and let’s figure it out together! #chronic #illness #chronicillness #grief #loss #chronicmigraines #spoonie #spoonies #grieving #chronicpain #chronic #organizing #depression #mentalhealth #mentalillness #spoonielife #scheduling #plannerbabe

Taking what I know

Even though I knew it was going to cost me, I did two things recently. They were both career-oriented and still fun. They also left me drained and in serious pain for at least a week afterward.

Knowing my children would be home for fall break an entire week and that I would likely struggle to accomplish normal work, I decided to combine the idea of stay-cation with celebrating our favorite book series. As part of my job as an author, I am continually posting on social media about great books and sharing in newsletters with my readers about fun things to do with those books.

The Cost of Book Week

Each day of our Book Week I got up and fought my normal migraines. We did silly things like raking the yard as our own silly (and oddly competitive) version of quidditch to celebrate Harry Potter. We ate blue food all day to celebrate our love of Percy Jackson. One day we chased each other in an odd game of hide-and-seek cyborgs versus Lunars to celebrate The Lunar Chronicles. On my favorite day, we went for hike in a nature preserve to celebrate Rapunzel’s Journey series and had freshly baked bread for supper.

But there was one day I couldn’t even get dressed I was in so much pain. I wore my sunglasses most of the day and felt bummed I couldn’t go on the front lawn to play pirate-sword-fighting to celebrate The Ascendance Trilogy. My kids understood and were even prepared for this possibility. We ended up sword fighting inside during one small surge of energy.

And the week after? I was toast. In “American” that means I had nothing left. To recover, I had to take giant breaks from social media, writing, and business goals. Thinking back on the week, though, I’m glad that I paid the cost for living and making memories with the kids. It’s a bright spot in comparison to a difficult year.

Do you think the cost of living isn't worth the pain of chronic illness? Spoonies like us can struggle with exhaustion and wonder how to live a life with limited abilities and energy. There's a way to schedule in fun and make room for living. Click through and let’s figure it out together! #chronic #illness #chronicillness #grief #loss #chronicmigraines #spoonie #spoonies #grieving #chronicpain #chronic #organizing #depression #mentalhealth #mentalillness #spoonielife #scheduling #plannerbabe

Showing up

Similarly, I attended an online conference to help me grow as an author-entrepreneur. I completed 15 classes in three days and had a few meetings afterward to figure out how to best implement what I had learned. And, you guessed it, I was in horrific pain afterwards. It confirmed again that working from home is the only job I can manage right now, and if I don’t take breaks like I should, or if I push myself daily without having a rest day somewhere in between, the migraines get much worse.

So, why take the risk? Why push myself at all knowing the cost? Because I want to live my life and I feel that as long as I don’t do it always, I’m telling my illness “You’re not the boss of me!”

The Cost of Living is Worth the Pain

I’ve made choices like this since and I will keep doing so, but I am learning to cushion those choices with some grace. My hope is found in the gospels as it speaks over and over again of how Christ looked on the crowd with “compassion.” He saw them for who they were, sheep without a shepherd, and He knew what they were struggling with. In those passages, He makes room for them, feeding them, teaching them, sometimes even healing them. (see Mark 6:30-56).

I think that even now He sees me and He sees you with what we struggle against and what we struggle for. I love this quote:

Do you think the cost of living isn't worth the pain of chronic illness? Spoonies like us can struggle with exhaustion and wonder how to live a life with limited abilities and energy. There's a way to schedule in fun and make room for living. Click through and let’s figure it out together! #chronic #illness #chronicillness #grief #loss #chronicmigraines #spoonie #spoonies #grieving #chronicpain #chronic #organizing #depression #mentalhealth #mentalillness #spoonielife #scheduling #plannerbabe

What’s next for you?

So there are things ahead of us that we are called to. I know it will cost me, and it may cost you. We can also know if we choose the right things, the things that are worthwhile and matter we can pay for them with confidence. And maybe a little second-guessing. But mostly confidence.

JacQueline Vaughn Roe

About JacQueline

As the author of  The Journey series, a young adult fantasy retelling Rapunzel’s misadventures, JacQueline also wrote Memoirs of a Headcase: Held by the God of Hope, to share hope in the battle against chronic pain and depression. Currently she lives in North Alabama with her karate husband and three book-crazy kids. All opinions expressed on this website come from her own experience. Do not substitute it for professional therapy or medical advice. Any affiliate links used on this website will provide additional income to JacQueline’s family at no additional cost to you.

If you are a reader wanting to connect with JacQueline, you can get a free book here. Each month you will receive book recommendations and other booknerd fun.

Are you a writer or an author looking for help? JacQueline has been writing all her life and loves meeting others who think writing is living. As an author coach, helping other writers on their journey gives her joy. Schedule your free coaching call to learn what steps you should take next now.

photography: Chris Lawton, Timothy Eberly, and Eric Tompkins.

Graphic Design for Social Media: JacQueline Vaughn Roe. Contact her for help with graphic design or other author services.

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How to Survive the Summer with Kids and Chronic Illness

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There seemed to be a bit of a panic in America as the school year ended. Did you feel it, too? Maybe it was just me, but I felt a sense of wide-eyed fear that soon I would have my three home ALL DAY LONG. I wasn’t ready. I write for a living and my work-in-progress was lacking some serious progress. Is there a book on how to survive the summer with kids and chronic illness?

As I have struggled to balance life with chronic illness, I have wondered how to keep everything under control. How do I take care of my family, myself, and contribute financially? As grief over the violent death of my sister has set in, this has become an even greater concern.

How to Survive the Summer with Kids and Chronic Illness - authorjroe.com - When parenting ideas for the summertime clash with chronic illnesses, the question of how to live with chronic pain and grief often comes up. My parenting isn’t perfect, but I have found that God has something for each of us in difficult seasons. #friends #friendships #motherhood #momlife #chronicillness #spoonie #spoonies #spoonielife #summertime #parenting #inspirationalquote #devotional #Biblestudy #joy #hope #quotes #bestquotes #Biblequotes #grief #depression

How can anyone do it all? There’s a fundamental flaw in this question. Can you see it? No one can or should try to do it all. And the more we try to control things, especially when we have chronic or grief issues, things are going to go wrong. The first couple of weeks of summer found me sweating with the effort of not screaming everyone into silence. (Not recommended when you have daily migraines.)

Pain and Fear had Begun Controlling Me

There was something vital missing. Can you tell what it was? I was missing perspective–lacking wisdom. The first step was to recognize that cowering in my house in pain and fear wasn’t controlling these emotions–the pain and fear had begun controlling me.

My best friends from college and I used to get our families together every summer, but the last few summers we haven’t been able to. When the invitation came for us to travel to help for a week at their church, my family decided we would make whatever sacrifices were necessary to make it happen.

How to survive: Moving Forward

If I were to write a book on how to survive, I would say, “Go spend time with wise friends.” Armed with painkillers, sunglasses, and earplugs, we descended on their unsuspecting home for a week of fun and chaos. We crammed five adults and eight children into one house and one camper. In the mornings I took painkillers and headed to the chapel of their church. While others were bouncing in and out of loud activities, I was literally pacing in circles and praying.

Years ago, I had been the song leader and the drama teacher. I had kids shouting and jumping. But this summer I just couldn’t. I could still hear more noise than I have recently been able to tolerate, and I tried to use the week to desensitize myself. And you know what? I loved the time alone with God. We talked about what the kids were learning about Him that week and a great many other things. I’ve never made myself be quiet and pray for three hours at a time and the exercise was calming.

How to Survive the Summer with Kids and Chronic Illness - authorjroe.com - When parenting ideas for the summertime clash with chronic illnesses, the question of how to live with chronic pain and grief often comes up. My parenting isn’t perfect, but I have found that God has something for each of us in difficult seasons. #friends #friendships #motherhood #momlife #chronicillness #spoonie #spoonies #spoonielife #summertime #parenting #inspirationalquote #devotional #Biblestudy #joy #hope #quotes #bestquotes #Biblequotes #grief #depression

In the afternoons, I retreated with my friends to the back porch, letting the kids take over and sprawl around the house. Like my time with God, I found comfort and wisdom. I found healing. I discovered that I needed to relax, and I remembered that I needed to enjoy this hectic season. Sure, I wouldn’t be as productive business-wise during these few short months, but I could learn to live in the moment, use this time to reaffirm my love for each member of my family and knock out work in the afternoons or evenings.

How to Survive: Capturing and Exchanging Anxious Thoughts

That week gave me hope. I began listening to music again, which is healing even if somewhat painful. Returning home, my family and I tried to find creative ways to have fun together. But the grief was still heavy, the pain ever-present.

My thoughts were becoming too dark and I was returning to such a deep depression that there seemed no point to living. I know this to be a lie from the enemy, the one who longs to destroy those who love Christ. Still, the lie was making its nest in my thoughts and I needed to evict it. I found a local counselor and began the difficult process of sorting through this minefield of grief that has wreaked havoc with my already-tenuous health.

My counselor has already reminded me of the necessity of capturing and exchanging anxious thoughts in order to heal. Sounds amazing to us who struggle, right? But to do it, we have to look what we fear in the face. We must call it by name. I don’t want to. I guess I’ve been hiding in my house instead of facing the anger and pain of my sister’s horrific death.

How to Survive the Summer with Kids and Chronic Illness - authorjroe.com - When parenting ideas for the summertime clash with chronic illnesses, the question of how to live with chronic pain and grief often comes up. My parenting isn’t perfect, but I have found that God has something for each of us in difficult seasons. #friends #friendships #motherhood #momlife #chronicillness #spoonie #spoonies #spoonielife #summertime #parenting #inspirationalquote #devotional #Biblestudy #joy #hope #quotes #bestquotes #Biblequotes #grief #depression

How to survive: In This Together

If I say that I trust God is going to “work all things together for the good” even I cannot in my finite mind fathom HOW (see Romans 8:28) then I have to believe there is something here not just for me, but for you, too. Yes, you. You may not know me well, or you may know me very well, but you are reading this intensely personal blog because you are either a) struggling like me and searching for joy or b) just love me lots and lots. Whichever is the case, we are in this together. And I think we need that. Just like I needed to see my friends in Texas and work at something greater, I need us to connect and become stronger as we get through this.

Guess what my assignment is? She told me I have to go outside each day and face the sunshine. I know it will be painful, but yesterday (when my pain level was around a 5), but I was able to do it. My son, who is still young enough to want to, reached for my hand and walked me around our neighborhood to their various bus stops while we waited for my girls to get home.

How to Survive the Summer with Kids and Chronic Illness - authorjroe.com - When parenting ideas for the summertime clash with chronic illnesses, the question of how to live with chronic pain and grief often comes up. My parenting isn’t perfect, but I have found that God has something for each of us in difficult seasons. #friends #friendships #motherhood #momlife #chronicillness #spoonie #spoonies #spoonielife #summertime #parenting #inspirationalquote #devotional #Biblestudy #joy #hope #quotes #bestquotes #Biblequotes #grief #depression

I have other assignments including journaling and trying to return to my karate classes, too. Yes, that last one has a lot to do with getting me back in the company of good friends. Something as simple that and yesterday’s walk is like telling the grief, the depression, the migraines, ALL OF IT, “You’re not the boss of me!” Today I hurt a bit more, but I’m going to do my best to fight anxiety and get out of the house, go be with people I love and enjoy them. Allow myself to see and be seen again.

For Those of Us Hurting

For those of us hurting and wondering how to survive, we must allow good people, wise people to come beside us and offer their help. Bit by bit, we will become ourselves again. We won’t ever be exactly the same. The hurt has altered us forever and given us a different view. But, we can adjust and live a different life, capture these negative thoughts and discover what God has for us in this new and different landscape. We aren’t alone. This may sound simple, but I know it to be extremely hard.

So, friend, you’ve read all the way to the end. Why? Are you just concerned for me or do you relate to some of what I’ve been going through? I truly believe we are stronger together. We need one another to make it through this life, especially if we are in a season of struggle. Is there anything I can pray for you? I like to pray as I walk and since I have many walks in my future, it would be my privilege to lift you up. Let me know in the comments or on whatever social media platform or messaging system you feel comfortable using.

JacQueline is the author of Memoirs of a Headcase: Held by the God of Hope as well as The Journey series, a young adult fantasy retelling Rapunzel’s misadventures. She uses her writing to share stories of hope and joy. JacQueline currently lives in North Alabama with her karate husband and three book-crazy kids. All of her writing is from her own experience and based on her opinion. It should never be substituted for a professional therapist.

How to Survive Graphic Designs by JacQueline

Photo Credit: Jason Blackeye, Paola Chaaya, Jared Erondu, and Levi Guzman

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How Grief Changes You and 3 Helpful Tools

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How Grief Changes You and 3 Helpful Tools - authorjroe.com - As you are working through the grief process, here are 3 tools I have found helpful in the healing process. #grief #loss #grieving #fitnessmotivation #healthylife #devotional #reachyourgoals #strongerthanyesterday #strongnotskinny #fitnessjourney #bodypositive #mentalhealth #depression #spoonie #spoonies #chronicillness #invisibleillness #migraines #chronicpain #migrainelife

I’m not mechanical, not in the least. I leave that to amazing people like my husband. I do write books and love discussing life-giving topics. Talking about tools makes my mind blackout–unless those tools are instruments that can be used in the healing process and not to make a cabinet.

I want to talk to you about how I’ve changed lately. I can do this with you because so many have reached out to me, expressing familiarity with what I am going through. It’s shocking to see how grief changes you and me, but I’m hoping that in sharing this part of the journey, I can offer what we will call “tools” to help us heal.

Below you will find affiliate links for trusted resources that I hope will encourage healing in your life. If you use the links, it will provide me with a small commission which I will use to help support my family and my love of writing. Thank you for your trust.

How Grief Affects Our Bodies

My family is in the middle of a season of grief. Last November an out-of-control truck literally plowed through the bedroom where my sister Joy was sleeping and killed her. She had a brain injury and I was her primary caregiver at the time. To say that my family and I miss her would be a gross understatement. Our lives have become foreign with a gaping black-hole where Joy used to do her coloring and make witty remarks.

Grief chages you and I in strange ways. It has altered my family’s landscape and contributed to my overall physical decline. Chronic migraines hit when I was fifteen and I missed out on a normal high school experience as I was in and out of hospitals. Recently, as in the last four years, chronic migraines have become debilitating again. (You can read more about that in my book, Memoirs of a Headcase: Held by the God of Hope.) A new medication seemed to be helping a great deal, but grief and depression have caught up with me. I wake every morning with a headache and only rarely is it not a full-blown debilitating migraine. A few months ago, I started shutting down. I stopped leaving the house. I started eating way too much. And I stopped moving.

My weight is like an accordion, sometimes better than others. What concerns me is not just the weight I have gained in this time, but the fact that I allowed my sorrow to hunch me over, to fill me with despair, to convince me to give up on movements that would help heal me.

How Grief Changes You and 3 Helpful Tools - authorjroe.com - As you are working through the grief process, here are 3 tools I have found helpful in the healing process. #grief #loss #grieving #fitnessmotivation #healthylife #devotional #reachyourgoals #strongerthanyesterday #strongnotskinny #fitnessjourney #bodypositive #mentalhealth #depression #spoonie #spoonies #chronicillness #invisibleillness #migraines #chronicpain #migrainelife

1. How Grief Changes You . . . to rediscover movement heals

I work with an amazing fitness site, Fit2B.com, that cares more about the women it serves than the aesthetics of the fitness industry. They are weird and quirky, which I adore. Weight is not their primary concern, mentally and physically healthy women are. These are my kind of people. As I shut down, I continued producing graphics for their blog, but rarely used the videos or numerous resources to help myself. I wasn’t bored with them (they have over 200 videos on the site), but I allowed grief and depression to pull me away from what would heal.

Beth, a friend and the founder of Fit2B, realized how bad the migraines were getting. She gently encouraged me to check out the grief recovery video when I was ready and maybe return to simple stretching routines. I knew she was giving me the gentle nudge I needed to pursue healing physically . . . and stop ignoring my inner turmoil. So I started at the free grief routine and used the walking course to help me fight my way back to facing the sunshine on days I could make it outside.

I’m not sure how to describe this. I know that it will sound strange, but bear with me. As I move my body, I feel the presence of God. Not every moment, not during each exercise session. Still, throughout my life, over and over again, I sense Him. When I walk, He helps me process things in a different way. He reminds me of good things, things outside of pain and sorrow. Other times, I have literally had to stop to breathe as I sobbed, discovering a depth to this grief I didn’t fathom possible. And as awful as that sounds, it has been part of healing.

2. How Grief Changes You . . . to find solace in prayer and writing

Throughout this time of grief and chronic pain, I have also found solace in prayer. I have a prayer journal that I write in at least once a week, some weeks every morning. Here I pour out the words that are entrenched, the anger that simmers deep inside. This is where I ask God hard questions and those hard questions find their way into the plots of my novels. Isn’t it funny that He can use fictional characters and their misadventures to help us work through some difficult problems?

In case you are like me and fiction speaks healing to you, I recommend The Masterpiece by Francine Rivers, and At Home in Mitford by Jan Karon. Of course, my novels reflect what God is teaching me and how Rapunzel is working through grief and her (my) difficult questions.

3. How Grief Changes You . . . to need deep friendships and humor

The third and final tool that I must recommend is friendship. My friends have saved my life. Those of you who have deep friendships will understand and those of you who don’t, I beg you to go be a friend to someone so that you can receive this gift in kind. In friendship, I have learned the hard lesson of how to laugh till my belly aches even during sorrow. I have remembered how to face what hurts and call it by its name.

These friends have shown loyalty and steadfastness that lifts me to God when I can’t think of how to pray for others or myself. I wish I could link you to friends, but I’m afraid this tool you will have to find for yourself. But do it. Find a church body where you can serve and worship. Reach out and let others know you with honesty. I am not exaggerating, friends will help heal you.

How Grief Changes You and 3 Helpful Tools - authorjroe.com - As you are working through the grief process, here are 3 tools I have found helpful in the healing process. #grief #loss #grieving #fitnessmotivation #healthylife #devotional #reachyourgoals #strongerthanyesterday #strongnotskinny #fitnessjourney #bodypositive #mentalhealth #depression #spoonie #spoonies #chronicillness #invisibleillness #migraines #chronicpain #migrainelife

Photo Credit: Kat J, Kristina Tripkovic

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