Searching for Joy

Can I Recover from Grief and Ambition?

October 1, 2019 by admin

Parting

In our minds, a timer is ticking. It’s ticking off moments, letting us know how long we have to sort through things. We find ourselves rushing through tasks, meals, conversations to get to the next thing. We have planners and calendars stacked with appointments, meetings, chores. And always the clock is counting down. But what do we do with ambition when parting takes place? Can we recover from grief?

What do we do when the clock is broken? When we have lost someone we love and they are taken from us forever? All that is left seems to be an empty, breathtaking pain and we wonder, “How do we continue?”

Recover from Grief - authorjroe.com - Many of us are defined by our ambition, but what do we do with losing someone when we have chronic migraines or illness? Can we recover from grief? #grief #illness #chronicpain #chronicpaininspiration #chronicmigraines #chronic #chroniclife #spoonies #spoonie #spoonielife #ambition #grief #grieving #loss #comfort #healing #Jesus #God #JesusChrist

Recover from Grief: Waiting

I sit on the couch after breakfast most mornings with a journal, my Bible, and my favorite pens. I snuggle beneath a blanket and heating pads and ache. My head radiates pain from the daily debilitating migraines while my soul writhes from missing my sister.

It has been ten months since Joy was killed by a truck. Even before this fatal accident, she had a brain-injury and I was her caregiver. At some point in our lives, each member of my family was depended on to care for her most basic and intimate needs. It’s been ten months since I’ve brushed her hair, taken her for a walk, helped her get showered. After ten months, you would think that the timer would have reset, that grief would have resolved and I would have moved on. But only now as I receive therapy am I beginning to process her loss. And so, here I sit, staring in front of me, waiting and waiting and waiting for the emotions I buried to surface so we can at last deal with them.

Recover from Grief: Persevering

After living for years with a chronic illness, I thought I understood what it took to process difficult things. But, I bet you understand when I say that as soon as you think you have life figured out, you find out you don’t. Maybe something horrible happens and you have to scramble to learn a new way of living. Just a few years ago, I struggled with a depression so deep that even though I trust in Jesus Christ for my salvation, I despaired of life. I wanted to die and contemplated ending my life. A good Christian girl shouldn’t struggle like that, I believed. I felt like a failure, a horrible wife and mother and sister.

God met me in that deep, dark place, just like He is meeting me now. I even wrote a book about it. Here I am again, though, because as I am processing the loss of Joy, I am struggling with suicidal thoughts. But I have learned that I don’t have to, nor should I, try to fight this battle alone. As I said before, I am receiving counseling. I am also checking in with trusted friends and letting them know how I’m doing. They are lifting me up in prayer and it is amazing how this simple thing is so powerful. In those dark, bleak moments when I want to find a way out of this life to escape the pain, God reminds me He is with me through His people who love me.

Recover from Grief: Loving and Affirming

The most amazing thing about this group of people is the way they accept where I am. The way they aren’t pushing me to produce something out of my grief. I do. I look at my 30,000-word manuscript “Life with Joy” and feel the pressure to make it into something beautiful, something that will make all the pain worthwhile. But I can’t. Every time I think I can try, it’s like I break a little more.

I won’t say no one has said that they don’t expect something beautiful to come out of all this sorrow. I’ve said it here before, I know that God uses these things for good. (see Romans 8:28) But let me be clear and painfully honest, I can’t see that right now. In this moment, the clock has stopped and I hang by a slender thread to the grace of God. No words reach the loss I feel and even though my head knows something wonderful is being worked out in the eternal realm, my temporal self cannot tolerate the stretch. I can’t get from here to there. For the first time in my life instead of pushing myself to make it happen, I’m going to accept where I am.

Ambition

So, ambition, back off, back down, back away. I can’t yet.

Maybe you are here with me in this rocky place where we cling to faith. We can’t see ahead or behind. Our lips recount blessings while crying over our loss. We use each moment of each day to continue to breathe.

And that’s enough. For now, my friend, it has to be enough.

JacQueline is the author of Memoirs of a Headcase: Held by the God of Hope as well as The Journey series, a young adult fantasy retelling Rapunzel’s misadventures. She uses her writing to share stories of hope and joy. JacQueline currently lives in North Alabama with her karate husband and three book-crazy kids. All of her writing is from her own experience and based on her opinion. It should never be substituted for a professional therapist.

A special “thank you” to Sheryl Chan for offering the link-up for those suffering from chronic illness.

Photo Credit: Dylan Nolte, Kinga Chicewicz, Nathan Dumlao.

Graphic Design for Social Media: JacQueline Vaughn Roe, contact here to receive help with your social media images.

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How to Survive the Summer with Kids and Chronic Illness

August 9, 2019 by admin

There seemed to be a bit of a panic in America as the school year ended. Did you feel it, too? Maybe it was just me, but I felt a sense of wide-eyed fear that soon I would have my three home ALL DAY LONG. I wasn’t ready. I write for a living and my work-in-progress was lacking some serious progress. Is there a book on how to survive the summer with kids and chronic illness?

As I have struggled to balance life with chronic illness, I have wondered how to keep everything under control. How do I take care of my family, myself, and contribute financially? As grief over the violent death of my sister has set in, this has become an even greater concern.

How to Survive the Summer with Kids and Chronic Illness - authorjroe.com - When parenting ideas for the summertime clash with chronic illnesses, the question of how to live with chronic pain and grief often comes up. My parenting isn’t perfect, but I have found that God has something for each of us in difficult seasons. #friends #friendships #motherhood #momlife #chronicillness #spoonie #spoonies #spoonielife #summertime #parenting #inspirationalquote #devotional #Biblestudy #joy #hope #quotes #bestquotes #Biblequotes #grief #depression

How can anyone do it all? There’s a fundamental flaw in this question. Can you see it? No one can or should try to do it all. And the more we try to control things, especially when we have chronic or grief issues, things are going to go wrong. The first couple of weeks of summer found me sweating with the effort of not screaming everyone into silence. (Not recommended when you have daily migraines.)

Pain and Fear had Begun Controlling Me

There was something vital missing. Can you tell what it was? I was missing perspective–lacking wisdom. The first step was to recognize that cowering in my house in pain and fear wasn’t controlling these emotions–the pain and fear had begun controlling me.

My best friends from college and I used to get our families together every summer, but the last few summers we haven’t been able to. When the invitation came for us to travel to help for a week at their church, my family decided we would make whatever sacrifices were necessary to make it happen.

How to survive: Moving Forward

If I were to write a book on how to survive, I would say, “Go spend time with wise friends.” Armed with painkillers, sunglasses, and earplugs, we descended on their unsuspecting home for a week of fun and chaos. We crammed five adults and eight children into one house and one camper. In the mornings I took painkillers and headed to the chapel of their church. While others were bouncing in and out of loud activities, I was literally pacing in circles and praying.

Years ago, I had been the song leader and the drama teacher. I had kids shouting and jumping. But this summer I just couldn’t. I could still hear more noise than I have recently been able to tolerate, and I tried to use the week to desensitize myself. And you know what? I loved the time alone with God. We talked about what the kids were learning about Him that week and a great many other things. I’ve never made myself be quiet and pray for three hours at a time and the exercise was calming.

In the afternoons, I retreated with my friends to the back porch, letting the kids take over and sprawl around the house. Like my time with God, I found comfort and wisdom. I found healing. I discovered that I needed to relax, and I remembered that I needed to enjoy this hectic season. Sure, I wouldn’t be as productive business-wise during these few short months, but I could learn to live in the moment, use this time to reaffirm my love for each member of my family and knock out work in the afternoons or evenings.

How to Survive: Capturing and Exchanging Anxious Thoughts

That week gave me hope. I began listening to music again, which is healing even if somewhat painful. Returning home, my family and I tried to find creative ways to have fun together. But the grief was still heavy, the pain ever-present.

My thoughts were becoming too dark and I was returning to such a deep depression that there seemed no point to living. I know this to be a lie from the enemy, the one who longs to destroy those who love Christ. Still, the lie was making its nest in my thoughts and I needed to evict it. I found a local counselor and began the difficult process of sorting through this minefield of grief that has wreaked havoc with my already-tenuous health.

My counselor has already reminded me of the necessity of capturing and exchanging anxious thoughts in order to heal. Sounds amazing to us who struggle, right? But to do it, we have to look what we fear in the face. We must call it by name. I don’t want to. I guess I’ve been hiding in my house instead of facing the anger and pain of my sister’s horrific death.

How to survive: In This Together

If I say that I trust God is going to “work all things together for the good” even I cannot in my finite mind fathom HOW (see Romans 8:28) then I have to believe there is something here not just for me, but for you, too. Yes, you. You may not know me well, or you may know me very well, but you are reading this intensely personal blog because you are either a) struggling like me and searching for joy or b) just love me lots and lots. Whichever is the case, we are in this together. And I think we need that. Just like I needed to see my friends in Texas and work at something greater, I need us to connect and become stronger as we get through this.

Guess what my assignment is? She told me I have to go outside each day and face the sunshine. I know it will be painful, but yesterday (when my pain level was around a 5), but I was able to do it. My son, who is still young enough to want to, reached for my hand and walked me around our neighborhood to their various bus stops while we waited for my girls to get home.

I have other assignments including journaling and trying to return to my karate classes, too. Yes, that last one has a lot to do with getting me back in the company of good friends. Something as simple that and yesterday’s walk is like telling the grief, the depression, the migraines, ALL OF IT, “You’re not the boss of me!” Today I hurt a bit more, but I’m going to do my best to fight anxiety and get out of the house, go be with people I love and enjoy them. Allow myself to see and be seen again.

For Those of Us Hurting

For those of us hurting and wondering how to survive, we must allow good people, wise people to come beside us and offer their help. Bit by bit, we will become ourselves again. We won’t ever be exactly the same. The hurt has altered us forever and given us a different view. But, we can adjust and live a different life, capture these negative thoughts and discover what God has for us in this new and different landscape. We aren’t alone. This may sound simple, but I know it to be extremely hard.

So, friend, you’ve read all the way to the end. Why? Are you just concerned for me or do you relate to some of what I’ve been going through? I truly believe we are stronger together. We need one another to make it through this life, especially if we are in a season of struggle. Is there anything I can pray for you? I like to pray as I walk and since I have many walks in my future, it would be my privilege to lift you up. Let me know in the comments or on whatever social media platform or messaging system you feel comfortable using.

JacQueline is the author of Memoirs of a Headcase: Held by the God of Hope as well as The Journey series, a young adult fantasy retelling Rapunzel’s misadventures. She uses her writing to share stories of hope and joy. JacQueline currently lives in North Alabama with her karate husband and three book-crazy kids. All of her writing is from her own experience and based on her opinion. It should never be substituted for a professional therapist.

How to Survive Graphic Designs by JacQueline

Photo Credit: Jason Blackeye, Paola Chaaya, Jared Erondu, and Levi Guzman

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How Grief Changes You and 3 Helpful Tools

July 9, 2019 by admin

I’m not mechanical, not in the least. I leave that to amazing people like my husband. I do write books and love discussing life-giving topics. Talking about tools makes my mind blackout–unless those tools are instruments that can be used in the healing process and not to make a cabinet.

I want to talk to you about how I’ve changed lately. I can do this with you because so many have reached out to me, expressing familiarity with what I am going through. It’s shocking to see how grief changes you and me, but I’m hoping that in sharing this part of the journey, I can offer what we will call “tools” to help us heal.

Below you will find affiliate links for trusted resources that I hope will encourage healing in your life. If you use the links, it will provide me with a small commission which I will use to help support my family and my love of writing. Thank you for your trust.

How Grief Affects Our Bodies

My family is in the middle of a season of grief. Last November an out-of-control truck literally plowed through the bedroom where my sister Joy was sleeping and killed her. She had a brain injury and I was her primary caregiver at the time. To say that my family and I miss her would be a gross understatement. Our lives have become foreign with a gaping black-hole where Joy used to do her coloring and make witty remarks.

Grief chages you and I in strange ways. It has altered my family’s landscape and contributed to my overall physical decline. Chronic migraines hit when I was fifteen and I missed out on a normal high school experience as I was in and out of hospitals. Recently, as in the last four years, chronic migraines have become debilitating again. (You can read more about that in my book, Memoirs of a Headcase: Held by the God of Hope.) A new medication seemed to be helping a great deal, but grief and depression have caught up with me. I wake every morning with a headache and only rarely is it not a full-blown debilitating migraine. A few months ago, I started shutting down. I stopped leaving the house. I started eating way too much. And I stopped moving.

My weight is like an accordion, sometimes better than others. What concerns me is not just the weight I have gained in this time, but the fact that I allowed my sorrow to hunch me over, to fill me with despair, to convince me to give up on movements that would help heal me.

1. How Grief Changes You . . . to rediscover movement heals

I work with an amazing fitness site, Fit2B.com, that cares more about the women it serves than the aesthetics of the fitness industry. They are weird and quirky, which I adore. Weight is not their primary concern, mentally and physically healthy women are. These are my kind of people. As I shut down, I continued producing graphics for their blog, but rarely used the videos or numerous resources to help myself. I wasn’t bored with them (they have over 200 videos on the site), but I allowed grief and depression to pull me away from what would heal.

Beth, a friend and the founder of Fit2B, realized how bad the migraines were getting. She gently encouraged me to check out the grief recovery video when I was ready and maybe return to simple stretching routines. I knew she was giving me the gentle nudge I needed to pursue healing physically . . . and stop ignoring my inner turmoil. So I started at the free grief routine and used the walking course to help me fight my way back to facing the sunshine on days I could make it outside.

I’m not sure how to describe this. I know that it will sound strange, but bear with me. As I move my body, I feel the presence of God. Not every moment, not during each exercise session. Still, throughout my life, over and over again, I sense Him. When I walk, He helps me process things in a different way. He reminds me of good things, things outside of pain and sorrow. Other times, I have literally had to stop to breathe as I sobbed, discovering a depth to this grief I didn’t fathom possible. And as awful as that sounds, it has been part of healing.

2. How Grief Changes You . . . to find solace in prayer and writing

Throughout this time of grief and chronic pain, I have also found solace in prayer. I have a prayer journal that I write in at least once a week, some weeks every morning. Here I pour out the words that are entrenched, the anger that simmers deep inside. This is where I ask God hard questions and those hard questions find their way into the plots of my novels. Isn’t it funny that He can use fictional characters and their misadventures to help us work through some difficult problems?

In case you are like me and fiction speaks healing to you, I recommend The Masterpiece by Francine Rivers, and At Home in Mitford by Jan Karon. Of course, my novels reflect what God is teaching me and how Rapunzel is working through grief and her (my) difficult questions.

3. How Grief Changes You . . . to need deep friendships and humor

The third and final tool that I must recommend is friendship. My friends have saved my life. Those of you who have deep friendships will understand and those of you who don’t, I beg you to go be a friend to someone so that you can receive this gift in kind. In friendship, I have learned the hard lesson of how to laugh till my belly aches even during sorrow. I have remembered how to face what hurts and call it by its name.

These friends have shown loyalty and steadfastness that lifts me to God when I can’t think of how to pray for others or myself. I wish I could link you to friends, but I’m afraid this tool you will have to find for yourself. But do it. Find a church body where you can serve and worship. Reach out and let others know you with honesty. I am not exaggerating, friends will help heal you.

Photo Credit: Kat J, Kristina Tripkovic

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What Does God Want Me to Do?

July 9, 2019 by admin

Failure. It’s a word none of us like. It means something didn’t work like it was supposed to. It’s enough to make you wonder, “What does God want me to do?” We have to analyze what didn’t work, stop justifying things that may be self-destructive, plan to make things different for the future. You don’t have to suffer from chronic illness to relate to the word. It is probable you have suffered a failure in your career, with your children, perhaps in your social life.

How do we analyze what’s wrong and learn from failure?

I planned to finish my third novel in April, sending it off to my editor before her summer break. Instead, I only launched my sequel. I wanted to celebrate having any of my fairytale novels, but part of me felt defeated as I found myself in this familiar spot . . . Why does my life feel like a series of failures? Do you analyze your life and feel this way? Could it be that we aren’t failing, but measuring the wrong thing?

Since the end of 2018, I have been planning . . . and stressing. I thought in order to follow the examples of successful entrepreneurs I needed to copy their habits. But as I analyzed my life in order to match it to theirs, all I ended up doing was comparing myself. I began vacillating between the healthy desire to grow and the all-too-tempting desire to decide I wasn’t good enough. When any of us do this, especially if we are living with some very difficult challenges, aren’t we setting ourselves up for failure?

He is a God who has a plan

I know that’s not God’s best for us. If I study the nature of God as expressed throughout the entire Bible, He is a God who has a plan, but it may not make sense at first. He doesn’t want any of us trying to live someone else’s life or someone else’s version of success. At the time of writing this, we are halfway through living 2019. We have come to that place where we must reevaluate our aspirations and make sure they line up with God’s desire for our lives.

When I was younger and deciding heavily-weighted choices of what job to take, where to live, who to marry, I thought there was one perfect choice. I thought if I got it wrong, I would ruin my life and there would be no going back. No pressure, right?

*sigh*

There is no joy in living this kind of life (and joy is what this blog is all about). What do I do with the fact that I am suffering from daily debilitating migraines and that though I’ve worked hard, I’m not yet making a living as a writer? If I just live a morally upright life and work hard, my dreams will come true, right? My (very 21st century American) dreams may need to be changed because I can’t see the whole picture. God has something else I can’t imagine already in development.

What Does God Want Me to Do? - authorjroe.com - “What does God want me to do?” is a complicated question made more so by chronic illnesses or life “failures”. If we have faith in Jesus, we will see that we don’t need to compare ourselves, He will show us how to follow Him. #scheduling #plannerbabe #devotional #inspirationquote #quotes #blog #blogging #faith #walkhumbly #chronicillness #invisibleillness #spoonie #spoonies #migraines #migrainelife #Bible #grief #loss #healing #Godswill

What does God want me to do with my life?

In the past, God has used a variety of things to grind away at my rough edges. Often, I bet you can relate, the process isn’t pleasant. The plans I had for my career as a young adult would not be compatible with the chronic illness I live with now. I didn’t know that, but God did, so maybe His plan involves something greater than my finite mind perceives.

My conclusion is this: God doesn’t want a certain life for me, He wants me to become a certain kind of person. I know He wants that for you, too. In the Old Testament, there is a famous passage that tells us to do justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with our God. (see Micah 6:8) This prophetic book tells of coming judgment for the nations of Israel and Judah (who hadn’t been living this way) but ends with hope as it also speaks of the restoration and joy of the coming Savior.

God doesn’t give a checklist of to-do items to put on your daily planner:

Wake up at 5 AM
Pray and study the Bible
Exercise
Make breakfast
Send your children and spouse off with a kind word (or if your single, be kind to a neighbor or co-worker).

Nope, He gives you and I a check list of who to become. Someone who

does justice
loves mercy
walks humbly with God

What to do with dreams and disappointment

“But–” we sputter “–what are we supposed to do with these plans and aspirations and dreams–and comparisons and failures and fears?” God is clear. We go to God humbly and ask Him, “Who do we need to uplift with justice?”

The Bible constantly tells us to look out for the oppressed. When stuck at home with a migraine, I can spend my time praying for those who are suffering. It may not feel like I’m giving much, but God has been insistent that I do this and it has changed me. To go further, why don’t we find unique ways to participate with and give to ministries that help them? When we are well, maybe we can give of our time as well. Those of us who have children can teach them to look out and stick up for outsiders at their schools or in their neighborhoods.

This is also how we can love mercy. As we read God’s Word, we will see how God is moved with compassion. He will change us to be more merciful, kinder if only we will ask. This will help me send my husband and kids off with a loving word, even when there are squabbles or my pain level is high. Can you see where God would have you practice mercy perhaps by forgiving frustrating co-workers or reckless drivers?

The hardest part of all

I realize as I write this that there is something else going on here. We have to keep recognizing we don’t know the best way to live our lives, to reach our goals, to plan for our futures. This is the essence of a humble heart and this is the plan. We continually walk back to God, head bowed low in recognition that we just can’t get there on our own. When we do this, He lifts our heads, changes our hearts. We can trust He will alter dreams that don’t line up with His will.

It’s not that we don’t have a to-do list anymore, it’s the way we approach the to-do list that really matters. If we are growing in Him, then He will change us. There is a list in the New Testament and we will look more like Galatians 5:22-23 than Galatians 5:19-21. Which list are you identifying with as you pursue your goals? I’ll admit, I often identify with the wrong list that has things like “fits of anger” and “jealousy,” especially when I am struggling with grief or migraines. But I want to love God and trust His plan enough to begin showing grace, gentleness, self-control . . . But that will have to be part two, my friends. And I will share with you here what tools are helping me move through grief and chronic illness towards healing.

A special “thank you” to Sheryl Chan for inviting all those suffering from chronic illness to link-up. If you are struggling with chronic issues or depression and are interested in knowing about my story and the hope God can give us, you can purchase Memoirs of a Headcase: Held by the God of Hope here.

Photo Credit: Ben White, Rosie Fraser, Nick Fewings, Alexa Williams, Tom Parsons, Plush Designs Studio, Kyle Glenn, Jazmino Quaynor, Sorin Sirbu

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Planning for Joy

April 3, 2019 by admin

I want to get to the good part of this story, the part where I share with you how everything got better. But even as I sit here in pain, I know the struggle isn’t over. We should know this by now, shouldn’t we? As long as we are alive, it’s going be a battle. For some of us, it’s a difficult job that perhaps doesn’t pay enough or maybe the loss of a loved one. For others, it’s our marriage or perhaps our singleness that is hard to live with. There are the less dramatic issues of the lack of motivation and dealing with squabbling children. Still, others like me wrestle with bodies that don’t work right. What do we do with these issues? How do we move forward in order to embrace a life full of joy in the midst of heartbreak, grief, and pain?

Inspire and Educate

Yesterday morning I stood onstage ready to share with a few hundred squirming students. I was there to inspire and educate, but they were the ones inspiring me. As they sat on their cafeteria stools staring up at me, I remembered myself at their age. I would look at the guest author who had come to speak to us and I imagined what I would do when I finally grew up. I would be a writer, an author, someone who created worlds with her words. Oh, the places I would transport my readers! Oh, the adventures they would take with my characters! The young me imagined the shape that my life would take and it was breathtaking.

But the young me never imagined a life of debilitating chronic migraines. I bet your younger you didn’t, perhaps couldn’t imagine the difficulties you would face one day. As I stared into the little faces full of expectant hope, I wanted to share some of the hard truth I’d learned, but I wanted to do it in a way that encouraged them to keep dreaming and keep striving.

Story Seeds

I held up my fingers and asked the students to imitate me. “This is a story seed,” I began, and I told them how important a seed was. It contained all the excitement of a new life inside it, but it was going to take work to bring that life into being. We talked about the obstacles and barriers. We talked about unexpected surprises. It was time to introduce them to Rapunzel and we discussed her fairytale.

I selected three students to play Rapunzel, the witch, and the man who befriends Rapunzel. (You would have loved the little girl I selected from the audience to be the witch. She had a wicked laugh!). The witch had a little too much fun “throwing” the man out the window, cutting off Rapunzel’s hair and casting her out into the unknown to travel “Beyond the Tower.” The kids loved that part!

Since I had their attention, I shared some of my musings, my story seeds. Did Rapunzel know how to make more friends? How would she find a way to earn her bread after being locked away her whole life? What would she do if the witch didn’t leave her alone and kept tormenting her? I shared with them that Rapunzel almost gave up in that first book and that she, like all of us, had to figure out the answer to one of the most powerful questions in the entire universe.

Why? Why am I doing this?

This is a question I have to answer before I go to bed at night or when the pain hits me in the morning, I won’t be able to find the strength in me to beat back the depression and scramble out of bed. But my husband needs me up and moving. My children need me loving them and making breakfast. And you know what? My reason “why” to get out of bed and fight against chronic pain is really the only thing that keeps me going.

I have struggled with “Why am I doing this?” in almost every aspect of my life, including writing Rapunzel’s story. My true “why” is because I have a relationship with the God who loves me. I want to joyfully live the life He has blessed me with, even though that life is painful. Right now, that means trudging through chronic pain and dealing with grief over the loss of my beloved sister. When everything else falls away and that’s all I have left, I pray He will help me find that His grace is sufficient. It’s not just a feeling, His joy truly is strength. (I’m still trying to understand Nehemiah 8:10.)

We must quiet ourselves

I found it to be true today. You see, I was supposed to look in those upturned faces a little over a month ago and share with them how to find their whys and not give up on their dreams when working for them seemed too hard. But on the day I was supposed to share with the students, I barely got out of bed. I tried everything I knew to do to get some relief so I could drive. But I still had to cancel. The teacher who had booked me to come in kindly said we could reschedule, but I felt afraid. I felt the guilt of having let down the teachers and students. I was scared to plan and fail again.

It feels like all of life is a risk, doesn’t it? No matter where we turn, we have decisions we have to make, and it is easy to become paralyzed by doubt and self-recrimination. I think this is when we must quiet ourselves, become aware of the negative thoughts buzzing in our minds. We need to take captive thoughts that are lies, the ones trying to keep us from worshipping God with our whole selves.

Giving back by never giving up

You know what I did? I got out my calendar. It felt like a huge risk, a great act of faith, but I rescheduled. That little act was weighty. I realize now I was planning for joy, making space for God to show up and make things possible. Dear friends were asked to pray. I made certain that I had the right medicine available. The day before was spent practicing and preparing to go make lots of new friends so I could share with them that we must never give up, never give in.

And, though I awoke in pain, the medicine helped this time. My family helped get me ready. I was able to drive. And I had so much fun! At last after months of being mostly house-bound, a shut-in, I was giving back by sharing a little of what I am learning so we will “never, never, never give in.” (Winston Churchill)

You are not alone

Have you noticed that I usually end my posts this way? Think through your life. What you are currently wrestling with? I may not know, but I believe I know the One who made you, who sees you, who longs to help you by being your “why”. He wants to be the reason you get out of bed in the morning and keep trying. He wants to be your everything. I have discovered that even as I am thrashing around in this life, reeling from the loss of my sister and in more pain than I can put a number to, He gives my life meaning and purpose. He fills me with joy–but it’s not a feeling. Peace comes as an assurance that harmony is being worked to restructure the cacophony.

I will say it every chance I get, every chance you will let me, dear one. He is not through with you, He is not through with me. He promises that once He has begun a good work in you, He will be faithful to complete it. (see Philippians 1:6) We can trust Him because He has proven Himself trustworthy.

The truth is this life is tiring no matter what you are dealing with, but we don’t have to deal with it alone. God has surrounded us with people who will help us along the way if we will only reach out. No matter where you are on this journey, please reach out. Let me or someone you trust know how we can pray for you. Feel free to follow me as I keep #searchingforjoy on Instagram and Facebook, as I keep reaching for excellence in writing on Twitter and my other Instagram account. You are not alone, we can do this together.

If you would like more information about Rapunzel’s misadventures, you can purchase her books on Amazon or Kobo. I’m excited to announce that the sequel, Amidst the Castles, will be published at the end of April. Contact me if you would like an advanced copy. If you would like to know more of my story of hope, you can purchase it on Amazon.

A special “thank you” to Sheryl Chan for April’s chance to “link-up” with other chronic illness warriors. It is an honor to be part of this community.

Photo credit: Giulia Bertelli, Greg Rakozy, and Alexander Possingham.

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Struggling in the Search for Joy

March 8, 2019 by admin

Do you feel like you are always failing?

This is where we often find ourselves at this time of year. We had great aspirations, wonderful intentions. But by the end of winter, hope has dimmed and the daily challenge of doing all the things supercedes any grand vision we may have had back when the year was new.

Just after the New Year, I had committed to myself and to you to begin searching for joy. I was going to look and unearth the beauty of everyday life in the midst of chronic pain, mounting depression, and the grief of having lost my sister. I heard from so many of you, especially in February, that you wanted to connect and come search with me. It had to be the right thing to do. If I opened my eyes like I had in the past, I would be able to share insights with others and be an encouragement.

But my determination flagged in the darkness of illness and sorrow. I flailed, I floundered. My mind kept recalling Bible passages on joy . . . Wasn’t I supposed to consider facing trials “pure joy”? (see James 1:2) I felt a sense of loss and as though I was failing you. I saw that others were struggling as well. The search was hard. I felt like giving up. Have you felt this way, too?

Pause if you must, but decide to find a new way

In the past, I would have dismissed my pain, my sorrow and made myself try harder. Instead, I let go. I took a deep breath. I realized with the help of some friends that in the dark night of hardship joy, like the sunrise, can be a long time coming.

I have a couple of friends a bit further in their grief journey than I am. We have each experienced different losses, but their wisdom and prayers have been a lifeline to me. In essence, they shared that healing is not a destination, it is a journey. And knowing that my journey includes the battle against chronic debilitating migraines, I must take care. This is not something I can conquer or a task I should force myself to do. It is a decision to discover that the story of our lives includes pain and loss. As I paused in my search, I discussed my frustration and my fear of failure. What one friend said to me was beautiful. She asked me to consider if perhaps joy was the outcome of going through a trial, not always what one experienced in the midst of the trial.

I thought about this for a long while. In America, we have a phrase, we “chew” on a thought. For days, I kept returning to this thought. What if joy is a seed we plant during painful seasons to be harvested later?

What if success looks strange?

Deciding to look at joy as something that I can’t perceive yet is changing everything. It looks different than I imagined. It is the hard work of waking and getting up in the morning knowing there will be pain in my head and an empty seat at the table. It also means seeing past the loss to what I do have.

And what I have is an odd sense of humor about life in general.

I have often remarked that people who have been through hard things are a bit peculiar, slightly “off.” This has brought a great deal of laughter back into our home. We remember aloud the funny things my sister used to say to us. Before you think us heartless, my sister had a brain injury that caused her to be literal and made her already sharp wit a bit sharper. My children and I have also been laughing at how migraines and depression have caused us to live “dark” lives. We look for ways to make each other laugh and that does bring joy.

Thriving instead of merely surviving

Many of us had great intentions at the beginning of the year, but the first quarter is nearly gone. We needn’t panic, though, because our best ideas often need tweaking. What if we take the rest of this month and reassess what we have been learning? What if we collaborate with one another and recognize what our struggles could be growing in us? Perhaps if we do so, we can leave behind survival mode.

I will continue sharing #searchingforjoy across social media. Please join the search as we work together to plant these seeds.

Photo Credit: Volkan Omez, Imani Clovis, and Paz Arando on Unsplash

Graphic Design: JacQueline Vaughn Roe

Special thank you to Sheryl Chan for the chance to link-up with others suffering from chronic illness.

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