devotional

Can I Recover from Grief and Ambition?

October 1, 2019 by admin

Parting

In our minds, a timer is ticking. It’s ticking off moments, letting us know how long we have to sort through things. We find ourselves rushing through tasks, meals, conversations to get to the next thing. We have planners and calendars stacked with appointments, meetings, chores. And always the clock is counting down. But what do we do with ambition when parting takes place? Can we recover from grief?

What do we do when the clock is broken? When we have lost someone we love and they are taken from us forever? All that is left seems to be an empty, breathtaking pain and we wonder, “How do we continue?”

Recover from Grief - authorjroe.com - Many of us are defined by our ambition, but what do we do with losing someone when we have chronic migraines or illness? Can we recover from grief? #grief #illness #chronicpain #chronicpaininspiration #chronicmigraines #chronic #chroniclife #spoonies #spoonie #spoonielife #ambition #grief #grieving #loss #comfort #healing #Jesus #God #JesusChrist

Recover from Grief: Waiting

I sit on the couch after breakfast most mornings with a journal, my Bible, and my favorite pens. I snuggle beneath a blanket and heating pads and ache. My head radiates pain from the daily debilitating migraines while my soul writhes from missing my sister.

It has been ten months since Joy was killed by a truck. Even before this fatal accident, she had a brain-injury and I was her caregiver. At some point in our lives, each member of my family was depended on to care for her most basic and intimate needs. It’s been ten months since I’ve brushed her hair, taken her for a walk, helped her get showered. After ten months, you would think that the timer would have reset, that grief would have resolved and I would have moved on. But only now as I receive therapy am I beginning to process her loss. And so, here I sit, staring in front of me, waiting and waiting and waiting for the emotions I buried to surface so we can at last deal with them.

Recover from Grief: Persevering

After living for years with a chronic illness, I thought I understood what it took to process difficult things. But, I bet you understand when I say that as soon as you think you have life figured out, you find out you don’t. Maybe something horrible happens and you have to scramble to learn a new way of living. Just a few years ago, I struggled with a depression so deep that even though I trust in Jesus Christ for my salvation, I despaired of life. I wanted to die and contemplated ending my life. A good Christian girl shouldn’t struggle like that, I believed. I felt like a failure, a horrible wife and mother and sister.

God met me in that deep, dark place, just like He is meeting me now. I even wrote a book about it. Here I am again, though, because as I am processing the loss of Joy, I am struggling with suicidal thoughts. But I have learned that I don’t have to, nor should I, try to fight this battle alone. As I said before, I am receiving counseling. I am also checking in with trusted friends and letting them know how I’m doing. They are lifting me up in prayer and it is amazing how this simple thing is so powerful. In those dark, bleak moments when I want to find a way out of this life to escape the pain, God reminds me He is with me through His people who love me.

Recover from Grief: Loving and Affirming

The most amazing thing about this group of people is the way they accept where I am. The way they aren’t pushing me to produce something out of my grief. I do. I look at my 30,000-word manuscript “Life with Joy” and feel the pressure to make it into something beautiful, something that will make all the pain worthwhile. But I can’t. Every time I think I can try, it’s like I break a little more.

I won’t say no one has said that they don’t expect something beautiful to come out of all this sorrow. I’ve said it here before, I know that God uses these things for good. (see Romans 8:28) But let me be clear and painfully honest, I can’t see that right now. In this moment, the clock has stopped and I hang by a slender thread to the grace of God. No words reach the loss I feel and even though my head knows something wonderful is being worked out in the eternal realm, my temporal self cannot tolerate the stretch. I can’t get from here to there. For the first time in my life instead of pushing myself to make it happen, I’m going to accept where I am.

Ambition

So, ambition, back off, back down, back away. I can’t yet.

Maybe you are here with me in this rocky place where we cling to faith. We can’t see ahead or behind. Our lips recount blessings while crying over our loss. We use each moment of each day to continue to breathe.

And that’s enough. For now, my friend, it has to be enough.

JacQueline is the author of Memoirs of a Headcase: Held by the God of Hope as well as The Journey series, a young adult fantasy retelling Rapunzel’s misadventures. She uses her writing to share stories of hope and joy. JacQueline currently lives in North Alabama with her karate husband and three book-crazy kids. All of her writing is from her own experience and based on her opinion. It should never be substituted for a professional therapist.

A special “thank you” to Sheryl Chan for offering the link-up for those suffering from chronic illness.

Photo Credit: Dylan Nolte, Kinga Chicewicz, Nathan Dumlao.

Graphic Design for Social Media: JacQueline Vaughn Roe, contact here to receive help with your social media images.

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What Does God Want Me to Do?

July 9, 2019 by admin

Failure. It’s a word none of us like. It means something didn’t work like it was supposed to. It’s enough to make you wonder, “What does God want me to do?” We have to analyze what didn’t work, stop justifying things that may be self-destructive, plan to make things different for the future. You don’t have to suffer from chronic illness to relate to the word. It is probable you have suffered a failure in your career, with your children, perhaps in your social life.

How do we analyze what’s wrong and learn from failure?

I planned to finish my third novel in April, sending it off to my editor before her summer break. Instead, I only launched my sequel. I wanted to celebrate having any of my fairytale novels, but part of me felt defeated as I found myself in this familiar spot . . . Why does my life feel like a series of failures? Do you analyze your life and feel this way? Could it be that we aren’t failing, but measuring the wrong thing?

Since the end of 2018, I have been planning . . . and stressing. I thought in order to follow the examples of successful entrepreneurs I needed to copy their habits. But as I analyzed my life in order to match it to theirs, all I ended up doing was comparing myself. I began vacillating between the healthy desire to grow and the all-too-tempting desire to decide I wasn’t good enough. When any of us do this, especially if we are living with some very difficult challenges, aren’t we setting ourselves up for failure?

He is a God who has a plan

I know that’s not God’s best for us. If I study the nature of God as expressed throughout the entire Bible, He is a God who has a plan, but it may not make sense at first. He doesn’t want any of us trying to live someone else’s life or someone else’s version of success. At the time of writing this, we are halfway through living 2019. We have come to that place where we must reevaluate our aspirations and make sure they line up with God’s desire for our lives.

When I was younger and deciding heavily-weighted choices of what job to take, where to live, who to marry, I thought there was one perfect choice. I thought if I got it wrong, I would ruin my life and there would be no going back. No pressure, right?

*sigh*

There is no joy in living this kind of life (and joy is what this blog is all about). What do I do with the fact that I am suffering from daily debilitating migraines and that though I’ve worked hard, I’m not yet making a living as a writer? If I just live a morally upright life and work hard, my dreams will come true, right? My (very 21st century American) dreams may need to be changed because I can’t see the whole picture. God has something else I can’t imagine already in development.

What Does God Want Me to Do? - authorjroe.com - “What does God want me to do?” is a complicated question made more so by chronic illnesses or life “failures”. If we have faith in Jesus, we will see that we don’t need to compare ourselves, He will show us how to follow Him. #scheduling #plannerbabe #devotional #inspirationquote #quotes #blog #blogging #faith #walkhumbly #chronicillness #invisibleillness #spoonie #spoonies #migraines #migrainelife #Bible #grief #loss #healing #Godswill

What does God want me to do with my life?

In the past, God has used a variety of things to grind away at my rough edges. Often, I bet you can relate, the process isn’t pleasant. The plans I had for my career as a young adult would not be compatible with the chronic illness I live with now. I didn’t know that, but God did, so maybe His plan involves something greater than my finite mind perceives.

My conclusion is this: God doesn’t want a certain life for me, He wants me to become a certain kind of person. I know He wants that for you, too. In the Old Testament, there is a famous passage that tells us to do justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with our God. (see Micah 6:8) This prophetic book tells of coming judgment for the nations of Israel and Judah (who hadn’t been living this way) but ends with hope as it also speaks of the restoration and joy of the coming Savior.

God doesn’t give a checklist of to-do items to put on your daily planner:

Wake up at 5 AM
Pray and study the Bible
Exercise
Make breakfast
Send your children and spouse off with a kind word (or if your single, be kind to a neighbor or co-worker).

Nope, He gives you and I a check list of who to become. Someone who

does justice
loves mercy
walks humbly with God

What to do with dreams and disappointment

“But–” we sputter “–what are we supposed to do with these plans and aspirations and dreams–and comparisons and failures and fears?” God is clear. We go to God humbly and ask Him, “Who do we need to uplift with justice?”

The Bible constantly tells us to look out for the oppressed. When stuck at home with a migraine, I can spend my time praying for those who are suffering. It may not feel like I’m giving much, but God has been insistent that I do this and it has changed me. To go further, why don’t we find unique ways to participate with and give to ministries that help them? When we are well, maybe we can give of our time as well. Those of us who have children can teach them to look out and stick up for outsiders at their schools or in their neighborhoods.

This is also how we can love mercy. As we read God’s Word, we will see how God is moved with compassion. He will change us to be more merciful, kinder if only we will ask. This will help me send my husband and kids off with a loving word, even when there are squabbles or my pain level is high. Can you see where God would have you practice mercy perhaps by forgiving frustrating co-workers or reckless drivers?

The hardest part of all

I realize as I write this that there is something else going on here. We have to keep recognizing we don’t know the best way to live our lives, to reach our goals, to plan for our futures. This is the essence of a humble heart and this is the plan. We continually walk back to God, head bowed low in recognition that we just can’t get there on our own. When we do this, He lifts our heads, changes our hearts. We can trust He will alter dreams that don’t line up with His will.

It’s not that we don’t have a to-do list anymore, it’s the way we approach the to-do list that really matters. If we are growing in Him, then He will change us. There is a list in the New Testament and we will look more like Galatians 5:22-23 than Galatians 5:19-21. Which list are you identifying with as you pursue your goals? I’ll admit, I often identify with the wrong list that has things like “fits of anger” and “jealousy,” especially when I am struggling with grief or migraines. But I want to love God and trust His plan enough to begin showing grace, gentleness, self-control . . . But that will have to be part two, my friends. And I will share with you here what tools are helping me move through grief and chronic illness towards healing.

A special “thank you” to Sheryl Chan for inviting all those suffering from chronic illness to link-up. If you are struggling with chronic issues or depression and are interested in knowing about my story and the hope God can give us, you can purchase Memoirs of a Headcase: Held by the God of Hope here.

Photo Credit: Ben White, Rosie Fraser, Nick Fewings, Alexa Williams, Tom Parsons, Plush Designs Studio, Kyle Glenn, Jazmino Quaynor, Sorin Sirbu

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Struggling in the Search for Joy

March 8, 2019 by admin

Do you feel like you are always failing?

This is where we often find ourselves at this time of year. We had great aspirations, wonderful intentions. But by the end of winter, hope has dimmed and the daily challenge of doing all the things supercedes any grand vision we may have had back when the year was new.

Just after the New Year, I had committed to myself and to you to begin searching for joy. I was going to look and unearth the beauty of everyday life in the midst of chronic pain, mounting depression, and the grief of having lost my sister. I heard from so many of you, especially in February, that you wanted to connect and come search with me. It had to be the right thing to do. If I opened my eyes like I had in the past, I would be able to share insights with others and be an encouragement.

But my determination flagged in the darkness of illness and sorrow. I flailed, I floundered. My mind kept recalling Bible passages on joy . . . Wasn’t I supposed to consider facing trials “pure joy”? (see James 1:2) I felt a sense of loss and as though I was failing you. I saw that others were struggling as well. The search was hard. I felt like giving up. Have you felt this way, too?

Pause if you must, but decide to find a new way

In the past, I would have dismissed my pain, my sorrow and made myself try harder. Instead, I let go. I took a deep breath. I realized with the help of some friends that in the dark night of hardship joy, like the sunrise, can be a long time coming.

I have a couple of friends a bit further in their grief journey than I am. We have each experienced different losses, but their wisdom and prayers have been a lifeline to me. In essence, they shared that healing is not a destination, it is a journey. And knowing that my journey includes the battle against chronic debilitating migraines, I must take care. This is not something I can conquer or a task I should force myself to do. It is a decision to discover that the story of our lives includes pain and loss. As I paused in my search, I discussed my frustration and my fear of failure. What one friend said to me was beautiful. She asked me to consider if perhaps joy was the outcome of going through a trial, not always what one experienced in the midst of the trial.

I thought about this for a long while. In America, we have a phrase, we “chew” on a thought. For days, I kept returning to this thought. What if joy is a seed we plant during painful seasons to be harvested later?

What if success looks strange?

Deciding to look at joy as something that I can’t perceive yet is changing everything. It looks different than I imagined. It is the hard work of waking and getting up in the morning knowing there will be pain in my head and an empty seat at the table. It also means seeing past the loss to what I do have.

And what I have is an odd sense of humor about life in general.

I have often remarked that people who have been through hard things are a bit peculiar, slightly “off.” This has brought a great deal of laughter back into our home. We remember aloud the funny things my sister used to say to us. Before you think us heartless, my sister had a brain injury that caused her to be literal and made her already sharp wit a bit sharper. My children and I have also been laughing at how migraines and depression have caused us to live “dark” lives. We look for ways to make each other laugh and that does bring joy.

Thriving instead of merely surviving

Many of us had great intentions at the beginning of the year, but the first quarter is nearly gone. We needn’t panic, though, because our best ideas often need tweaking. What if we take the rest of this month and reassess what we have been learning? What if we collaborate with one another and recognize what our struggles could be growing in us? Perhaps if we do so, we can leave behind survival mode.

I will continue sharing #searchingforjoy across social media. Please join the search as we work together to plant these seeds.

Photo Credit: Volkan Omez, Imani Clovis, and Paz Arando on Unsplash

Graphic Design: JacQueline Vaughn Roe

Special thank you to Sheryl Chan for the chance to link-up with others suffering from chronic illness.

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