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Can I Recover from Grief and Ambition?

October 1, 2019 by admin

Parting

In our minds, a timer is ticking. It’s ticking off moments, letting us know how long we have to sort through things. We find ourselves rushing through tasks, meals, conversations to get to the next thing. We have planners and calendars stacked with appointments, meetings, chores. And always the clock is counting down. But what do we do with ambition when parting takes place? Can we recover from grief?

What do we do when the clock is broken? When we have lost someone we love and they are taken from us forever? All that is left seems to be an empty, breathtaking pain and we wonder, “How do we continue?”

Recover from Grief - authorjroe.com - Many of us are defined by our ambition, but what do we do with losing someone when we have chronic migraines or illness? Can we recover from grief? #grief #illness #chronicpain #chronicpaininspiration #chronicmigraines #chronic #chroniclife #spoonies #spoonie #spoonielife #ambition #grief #grieving #loss #comfort #healing #Jesus #God #JesusChrist

Recover from Grief: Waiting

I sit on the couch after breakfast most mornings with a journal, my Bible, and my favorite pens. I snuggle beneath a blanket and heating pads and ache. My head radiates pain from the daily debilitating migraines while my soul writhes from missing my sister.

It has been ten months since Joy was killed by a truck. Even before this fatal accident, she had a brain-injury and I was her caregiver. At some point in our lives, each member of my family was depended on to care for her most basic and intimate needs. It’s been ten months since I’ve brushed her hair, taken her for a walk, helped her get showered. After ten months, you would think that the timer would have reset, that grief would have resolved and I would have moved on. But only now as I receive therapy am I beginning to process her loss. And so, here I sit, staring in front of me, waiting and waiting and waiting for the emotions I buried to surface so we can at last deal with them.

Recover from Grief: Persevering

After living for years with a chronic illness, I thought I understood what it took to process difficult things. But, I bet you understand when I say that as soon as you think you have life figured out, you find out you don’t. Maybe something horrible happens and you have to scramble to learn a new way of living. Just a few years ago, I struggled with a depression so deep that even though I trust in Jesus Christ for my salvation, I despaired of life. I wanted to die and contemplated ending my life. A good Christian girl shouldn’t struggle like that, I believed. I felt like a failure, a horrible wife and mother and sister.

God met me in that deep, dark place, just like He is meeting me now. I even wrote a book about it. Here I am again, though, because as I am processing the loss of Joy, I am struggling with suicidal thoughts. But I have learned that I don’t have to, nor should I, try to fight this battle alone. As I said before, I am receiving counseling. I am also checking in with trusted friends and letting them know how I’m doing. They are lifting me up in prayer and it is amazing how this simple thing is so powerful. In those dark, bleak moments when I want to find a way out of this life to escape the pain, God reminds me He is with me through His people who love me.

Recover from Grief: Loving and Affirming

The most amazing thing about this group of people is the way they accept where I am. The way they aren’t pushing me to produce something out of my grief. I do. I look at my 30,000-word manuscript “Life with Joy” and feel the pressure to make it into something beautiful, something that will make all the pain worthwhile. But I can’t. Every time I think I can try, it’s like I break a little more.

I won’t say no one has said that they don’t expect something beautiful to come out of all this sorrow. I’ve said it here before, I know that God uses these things for good. (see Romans 8:28) But let me be clear and painfully honest, I can’t see that right now. In this moment, the clock has stopped and I hang by a slender thread to the grace of God. No words reach the loss I feel and even though my head knows something wonderful is being worked out in the eternal realm, my temporal self cannot tolerate the stretch. I can’t get from here to there. For the first time in my life instead of pushing myself to make it happen, I’m going to accept where I am.

Ambition

So, ambition, back off, back down, back away. I can’t yet.

Maybe you are here with me in this rocky place where we cling to faith. We can’t see ahead or behind. Our lips recount blessings while crying over our loss. We use each moment of each day to continue to breathe.

And that’s enough. For now, my friend, it has to be enough.

JacQueline is the author of Memoirs of a Headcase: Held by the God of Hope as well as The Journey series, a young adult fantasy retelling Rapunzel’s misadventures. She uses her writing to share stories of hope and joy. JacQueline currently lives in North Alabama with her karate husband and three book-crazy kids. All of her writing is from her own experience and based on her opinion. It should never be substituted for a professional therapist.

A special “thank you” to Sheryl Chan for offering the link-up for those suffering from chronic illness.

Photo Credit: Dylan Nolte, Kinga Chicewicz, Nathan Dumlao.

Graphic Design for Social Media: JacQueline Vaughn Roe, contact here to receive help with your social media images.

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How to Survive the Summer with Kids and Chronic Illness

August 9, 2019 by admin

There seemed to be a bit of a panic in America as the school year ended. Did you feel it, too? Maybe it was just me, but I felt a sense of wide-eyed fear that soon I would have my three home ALL DAY LONG. I wasn’t ready. I write for a living and my work-in-progress was lacking some serious progress. Is there a book on how to survive the summer with kids and chronic illness?

As I have struggled to balance life with chronic illness, I have wondered how to keep everything under control. How do I take care of my family, myself, and contribute financially? As grief over the violent death of my sister has set in, this has become an even greater concern.

How to Survive the Summer with Kids and Chronic Illness - authorjroe.com - When parenting ideas for the summertime clash with chronic illnesses, the question of how to live with chronic pain and grief often comes up. My parenting isn’t perfect, but I have found that God has something for each of us in difficult seasons. #friends #friendships #motherhood #momlife #chronicillness #spoonie #spoonies #spoonielife #summertime #parenting #inspirationalquote #devotional #Biblestudy #joy #hope #quotes #bestquotes #Biblequotes #grief #depression

How can anyone do it all? There’s a fundamental flaw in this question. Can you see it? No one can or should try to do it all. And the more we try to control things, especially when we have chronic or grief issues, things are going to go wrong. The first couple of weeks of summer found me sweating with the effort of not screaming everyone into silence. (Not recommended when you have daily migraines.)

Pain and Fear had Begun Controlling Me

There was something vital missing. Can you tell what it was? I was missing perspective–lacking wisdom. The first step was to recognize that cowering in my house in pain and fear wasn’t controlling these emotions–the pain and fear had begun controlling me.

My best friends from college and I used to get our families together every summer, but the last few summers we haven’t been able to. When the invitation came for us to travel to help for a week at their church, my family decided we would make whatever sacrifices were necessary to make it happen.

How to survive: Moving Forward

If I were to write a book on how to survive, I would say, “Go spend time with wise friends.” Armed with painkillers, sunglasses, and earplugs, we descended on their unsuspecting home for a week of fun and chaos. We crammed five adults and eight children into one house and one camper. In the mornings I took painkillers and headed to the chapel of their church. While others were bouncing in and out of loud activities, I was literally pacing in circles and praying.

Years ago, I had been the song leader and the drama teacher. I had kids shouting and jumping. But this summer I just couldn’t. I could still hear more noise than I have recently been able to tolerate, and I tried to use the week to desensitize myself. And you know what? I loved the time alone with God. We talked about what the kids were learning about Him that week and a great many other things. I’ve never made myself be quiet and pray for three hours at a time and the exercise was calming.

In the afternoons, I retreated with my friends to the back porch, letting the kids take over and sprawl around the house. Like my time with God, I found comfort and wisdom. I found healing. I discovered that I needed to relax, and I remembered that I needed to enjoy this hectic season. Sure, I wouldn’t be as productive business-wise during these few short months, but I could learn to live in the moment, use this time to reaffirm my love for each member of my family and knock out work in the afternoons or evenings.

How to Survive: Capturing and Exchanging Anxious Thoughts

That week gave me hope. I began listening to music again, which is healing even if somewhat painful. Returning home, my family and I tried to find creative ways to have fun together. But the grief was still heavy, the pain ever-present.

My thoughts were becoming too dark and I was returning to such a deep depression that there seemed no point to living. I know this to be a lie from the enemy, the one who longs to destroy those who love Christ. Still, the lie was making its nest in my thoughts and I needed to evict it. I found a local counselor and began the difficult process of sorting through this minefield of grief that has wreaked havoc with my already-tenuous health.

My counselor has already reminded me of the necessity of capturing and exchanging anxious thoughts in order to heal. Sounds amazing to us who struggle, right? But to do it, we have to look what we fear in the face. We must call it by name. I don’t want to. I guess I’ve been hiding in my house instead of facing the anger and pain of my sister’s horrific death.

How to survive: In This Together

If I say that I trust God is going to “work all things together for the good” even I cannot in my finite mind fathom HOW (see Romans 8:28) then I have to believe there is something here not just for me, but for you, too. Yes, you. You may not know me well, or you may know me very well, but you are reading this intensely personal blog because you are either a) struggling like me and searching for joy or b) just love me lots and lots. Whichever is the case, we are in this together. And I think we need that. Just like I needed to see my friends in Texas and work at something greater, I need us to connect and become stronger as we get through this.

Guess what my assignment is? She told me I have to go outside each day and face the sunshine. I know it will be painful, but yesterday (when my pain level was around a 5), but I was able to do it. My son, who is still young enough to want to, reached for my hand and walked me around our neighborhood to their various bus stops while we waited for my girls to get home.

I have other assignments including journaling and trying to return to my karate classes, too. Yes, that last one has a lot to do with getting me back in the company of good friends. Something as simple that and yesterday’s walk is like telling the grief, the depression, the migraines, ALL OF IT, “You’re not the boss of me!” Today I hurt a bit more, but I’m going to do my best to fight anxiety and get out of the house, go be with people I love and enjoy them. Allow myself to see and be seen again.

For Those of Us Hurting

For those of us hurting and wondering how to survive, we must allow good people, wise people to come beside us and offer their help. Bit by bit, we will become ourselves again. We won’t ever be exactly the same. The hurt has altered us forever and given us a different view. But, we can adjust and live a different life, capture these negative thoughts and discover what God has for us in this new and different landscape. We aren’t alone. This may sound simple, but I know it to be extremely hard.

So, friend, you’ve read all the way to the end. Why? Are you just concerned for me or do you relate to some of what I’ve been going through? I truly believe we are stronger together. We need one another to make it through this life, especially if we are in a season of struggle. Is there anything I can pray for you? I like to pray as I walk and since I have many walks in my future, it would be my privilege to lift you up. Let me know in the comments or on whatever social media platform or messaging system you feel comfortable using.

JacQueline is the author of Memoirs of a Headcase: Held by the God of Hope as well as The Journey series, a young adult fantasy retelling Rapunzel’s misadventures. She uses her writing to share stories of hope and joy. JacQueline currently lives in North Alabama with her karate husband and three book-crazy kids. All of her writing is from her own experience and based on her opinion. It should never be substituted for a professional therapist.

How to Survive Graphic Designs by JacQueline

Photo Credit: Jason Blackeye, Paola Chaaya, Jared Erondu, and Levi Guzman

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Struggling in the Search for Joy

March 8, 2019 by admin

Do you feel like you are always failing?

This is where we often find ourselves at this time of year. We had great aspirations, wonderful intentions. But by the end of winter, hope has dimmed and the daily challenge of doing all the things supercedes any grand vision we may have had back when the year was new.

Just after the New Year, I had committed to myself and to you to begin searching for joy. I was going to look and unearth the beauty of everyday life in the midst of chronic pain, mounting depression, and the grief of having lost my sister. I heard from so many of you, especially in February, that you wanted to connect and come search with me. It had to be the right thing to do. If I opened my eyes like I had in the past, I would be able to share insights with others and be an encouragement.

But my determination flagged in the darkness of illness and sorrow. I flailed, I floundered. My mind kept recalling Bible passages on joy . . . Wasn’t I supposed to consider facing trials “pure joy”? (see James 1:2) I felt a sense of loss and as though I was failing you. I saw that others were struggling as well. The search was hard. I felt like giving up. Have you felt this way, too?

Pause if you must, but decide to find a new way

In the past, I would have dismissed my pain, my sorrow and made myself try harder. Instead, I let go. I took a deep breath. I realized with the help of some friends that in the dark night of hardship joy, like the sunrise, can be a long time coming.

I have a couple of friends a bit further in their grief journey than I am. We have each experienced different losses, but their wisdom and prayers have been a lifeline to me. In essence, they shared that healing is not a destination, it is a journey. And knowing that my journey includes the battle against chronic debilitating migraines, I must take care. This is not something I can conquer or a task I should force myself to do. It is a decision to discover that the story of our lives includes pain and loss. As I paused in my search, I discussed my frustration and my fear of failure. What one friend said to me was beautiful. She asked me to consider if perhaps joy was the outcome of going through a trial, not always what one experienced in the midst of the trial.

I thought about this for a long while. In America, we have a phrase, we “chew” on a thought. For days, I kept returning to this thought. What if joy is a seed we plant during painful seasons to be harvested later?

What if success looks strange?

Deciding to look at joy as something that I can’t perceive yet is changing everything. It looks different than I imagined. It is the hard work of waking and getting up in the morning knowing there will be pain in my head and an empty seat at the table. It also means seeing past the loss to what I do have.

And what I have is an odd sense of humor about life in general.

I have often remarked that people who have been through hard things are a bit peculiar, slightly “off.” This has brought a great deal of laughter back into our home. We remember aloud the funny things my sister used to say to us. Before you think us heartless, my sister had a brain injury that caused her to be literal and made her already sharp wit a bit sharper. My children and I have also been laughing at how migraines and depression have caused us to live “dark” lives. We look for ways to make each other laugh and that does bring joy.

Thriving instead of merely surviving

Many of us had great intentions at the beginning of the year, but the first quarter is nearly gone. We needn’t panic, though, because our best ideas often need tweaking. What if we take the rest of this month and reassess what we have been learning? What if we collaborate with one another and recognize what our struggles could be growing in us? Perhaps if we do so, we can leave behind survival mode.

I will continue sharing #searchingforjoy across social media. Please join the search as we work together to plant these seeds.

Photo Credit: Volkan Omez, Imani Clovis, and Paz Arando on Unsplash

Graphic Design: JacQueline Vaughn Roe

Special thank you to Sheryl Chan for the chance to link-up with others suffering from chronic illness.

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