loss

I want to get to the good part of this story, the part where I share with you how everything got better. But even as I sit here in pain, I know the struggle isn’t over. We should know this by now, shouldn’t we? As long as we are alive, it’s going be a battle. For some of us, it’s a difficult job that perhaps doesn’t pay enough or maybe the loss of a loved one. For others, it’s our marriage or perhaps our singleness that is hard to live with. There are the less dramatic issues of the lack of motivation and dealing with squabbling children. Still, others like me wrestle with bodies that don’t work right. What do we do with these issues? How do we move forward in order to embrace a life full of joy in the midst of heartbreak, grief, and pain?

Inspire and Educate

Yesterday morning I stood onstage ready to share with a few hundred squirming students. I was there to inspire and educate, but they were the ones inspiring me. As they sat on their cafeteria stools staring up at me, I remembered myself at their age. I would look at the guest author who had come to speak to us and I imagined what I would do when I finally grew up. I would be a writer, an author, someone who created worlds with her words. Oh, the places I would transport my readers! Oh, the adventures they would take with my characters! The young me imagined the shape that my life would take and it was breathtaking.

But the young me never imagined a life of debilitating chronic migraines. I bet your younger you didn’t, perhaps couldn’t imagine the difficulties you would face one day. As I stared into the little faces full of expectant hope, I wanted to share some of the hard truth I’d learned, but I wanted to do it in a way that encouraged them to keep dreaming and keep striving.

Story Seeds

I held up my fingers and asked the students to imitate me. “This is a story seed,” I began, and I told them how important a seed was. It contained all the excitement of a new life inside it, but it was going to take work to bring that life into being. We talked about the obstacles and barriers. We talked about unexpected surprises. It was time to introduce them to Rapunzel and we discussed her fairytale.

I selected three students to play Rapunzel, the witch, and the man who befriends Rapunzel. (You would have loved the little girl I selected from the audience to be the witch. She had a wicked laugh!). The witch had a little too much fun “throwing” the man out the window, cutting off Rapunzel’s hair and casting her out into the unknown to travel “Beyond the Tower.” The kids loved that part!

Since I had their attention, I shared some of my musings, my story seeds. Did Rapunzel know how to make more friends? How would she find a way to earn her bread after being locked away her whole life? What would she do if the witch didn’t leave her alone and kept tormenting her? I shared with them that Rapunzel almost gave up in that first book and that she, like all of us, had to figure out the answer to one of the most powerful questions in the entire universe.

Why? Why am I doing this?

This is a question I have to answer before I go to bed at night or when the pain hits me in the morning, I won’t be able to find the strength in me to beat back the depression and scramble out of bed. But my husband needs me up and moving. My children need me loving them and making breakfast. And you know what? My reason “why” to get out of bed and fight against chronic pain is really the only thing that keeps me going.

I have struggled with “Why am I doing this?” in almost every aspect of my life, including writing Rapunzel’s story. My true “why” is because I have a relationship with the God who loves me. I want to joyfully live the life He has blessed me with, even though that life is painful. Right now, that means trudging through chronic pain and dealing with grief over the loss of my beloved sister. When everything else falls away and that’s all I have left, I pray He will help me find that His grace is sufficient. It’s not just a feeling, His joy truly is strength. (I’m still trying to understand Nehemiah 8:10.)

We must quiet ourselves

I found it to be true today. You see, I was supposed to look in those upturned faces a little over a month ago and share with them how to find their whys and not give up on their dreams when working for them seemed too hard. But on the day I was supposed to share with the students, I barely got out of bed. I tried everything I knew to do to get some relief so I could drive. But I still had to cancel. The teacher who had booked me to come in kindly said we could reschedule, but I felt afraid. I felt the guilt of having let down the teachers and students. I was scared to plan and fail again.

It feels like all of life is a risk, doesn’t it? No matter where we turn, we have decisions we have to make, and it is easy to become paralyzed by doubt and self-recrimination. I think this is when we must quiet ourselves, become aware of the negative thoughts buzzing in our minds. We need to take captive thoughts that are lies, the ones trying to keep us from worshipping God with our whole selves.

Giving back by never giving up

You know what I did? I got out my calendar. It felt like a huge risk, a great act of faith, but I rescheduled. That little act was weighty. I realize now I was planning for joy, making space for God to show up and make things possible. Dear friends were asked to pray. I made certain that I had the right medicine available. The day before was spent practicing and preparing to go make lots of new friends so I could share with them that we must never give up, never give in.

And, though I awoke in pain, the medicine helped this time. My family helped get me ready. I was able to drive. And I had so much fun! At last after months of being mostly house-bound, a shut-in, I was giving back by sharing a little of what I am learning so we will “never, never, never give in.” (Winston Churchill)

You are not alone

Have you noticed that I usually end my posts this way? Think through your life. What you are currently wrestling with? I may not know, but I believe I know the One who made you, who sees you, who longs to help you by being your “why”. He wants to be the reason you get out of bed in the morning and keep trying. He wants to be your everything. I have discovered that even as I am thrashing around in this life, reeling from the loss of my sister and in more pain than I can put a number to, He gives my life meaning and purpose. He fills me with joy–but it’s not a feeling. Peace comes as an assurance that harmony is being worked to restructure the cacophony.

I will say it every chance I get, every chance you will let me, dear one. He is not through with you, He is not through with me. He promises that once He has begun a good work in you, He will be faithful to complete it. (see Philippians 1:6) We can trust Him because He has proven Himself trustworthy.

The truth is this life is tiring no matter what you are dealing with, but we don’t have to deal with it alone. God has surrounded us with people who will help us along the way if we will only reach out. No matter where you are on this journey, please reach out. Let me or someone you trust know how we can pray for you. Feel free to follow me as I keep #searchingforjoy on Instagram and Facebook, as I keep reaching for excellence in writing on Twitter and my other Instagram account. You are not alone, we can do this together.

If you would like more information about Rapunzel’s misadventures, you can purchase her books on Amazon or Kobo. I’m excited to announce that the sequel, Amidst the Castles, will be published at the end of April. Contact me if you would like an advanced copy. If you would like to know more of my story of hope, you can purchase it on Amazon.

A special “thank you” to Sheryl Chan for April’s chance to “link-up” with other chronic illness warriors. It is an honor to be part of this community.

Photo credit: Giulia Bertelli, Greg Rakozy, and Alexander Possingham.