There seemed to be a bit of a panic in America as the school year ended. Did you feel it, too? Maybe it was just me, but I felt a sense of wide-eyed fear that soon I would have my three home ALL DAY LONG. I wasn’t ready. I write for a living and my work-in-progress was lacking some serious progress. Is there a book on how to survive the summer with kids and chronic illness?
As I have struggled to balance life with chronic illness, I have wondered how to keep everything under control. How do I take care of my family, myself, and contribute financially? As grief over the violent death of my sister has set in, this has become an even greater concern.
How can anyone do it all? There’s a fundamental flaw in this question. Can you see it? No one can or should try to do it all. And the more we try to control things, especially when we have chronic or grief issues, things are going to go wrong. The first couple of weeks of summer found me sweating with the effort of not screaming everyone into silence. (Not recommended when you have daily migraines.)
Pain and Fear had Begun Controlling Me
There was something vital missing. Can you tell what it was? I was missing perspective–lacking wisdom. The first step was to recognize that cowering in my house in pain and fear wasn’t controlling these emotions–the pain and fear had begun controlling me.
My best friends from college and I used to get our families together every summer, but the last few summers we haven’t been able to. When the invitation came for us to travel to help for a week at their church, my family decided we would make whatever sacrifices were necessary to make it happen.
How to survive: Moving Forward
If I were to write a book on how to survive, I would say, “Go spend time with wise friends.” Armed with painkillers, sunglasses, and earplugs, we descended on their unsuspecting home for a week of fun and chaos. We crammed five adults and eight children into one house and one camper. In the mornings I took painkillers and headed to the chapel of their church. While others were bouncing in and out of loud activities, I was literally pacing in circles and praying.
Years ago, I had been the song leader and the drama teacher. I had kids shouting and jumping. But this summer I just couldn’t. I could still hear more noise than I have recently been able to tolerate, and I tried to use the week to desensitize myself. And you know what? I loved the time alone with God. We talked about what the kids were learning about Him that week and a great many other things. I’ve never made myself be quiet and pray for three hours at a time and the exercise was calming.
In the afternoons, I retreated with my friends to the back porch, letting the kids take over and sprawl around the house. Like my time with God, I found comfort and wisdom. I found healing. I discovered that I needed to relax, and I remembered that I needed to enjoy this hectic season. Sure, I wouldn’t be as productive business-wise during these few short months, but I could learn to live in the moment, use this time to reaffirm my love for each member of my family and knock out work in the afternoons or evenings.
How to Survive: Capturing and Exchanging Anxious Thoughts
That week gave me hope. I began listening to music again, which is healing even if somewhat painful. Returning home, my family and I tried to find creative ways to have fun together. But the grief was still heavy, the pain ever-present.
My thoughts were becoming too dark and I was returning to such a deep depression that there seemed no point to living. I know this to be a lie from the enemy, the one who longs to destroy those who love Christ. Still, the lie was making its nest in my thoughts and I needed to evict it. I found a local counselor and began the difficult process of sorting through this minefield of grief that has wreaked havoc with my already-tenuous health.
My counselor has already reminded me of the necessity of capturing and exchanging anxious thoughts in order to heal. Sounds amazing to us who struggle, right? But to do it, we have to look what we fear in the face. We must call it by name. I don’t want to. I guess I’ve been hiding in my house instead of facing the anger and pain of my sister’s horrific death.
How to survive: In This Together
If I say that I trust God is going to “work all things together for the good” even I cannot in my finite mind fathom HOW (see Romans 8:28) then I have to believe there is something here not just for me, but for you, too. Yes, you. You may not know me well, or you may know me very well, but you are reading this intensely personal blog because you are either a) struggling like me and searching for joy or b) just love me lots and lots. Whichever is the case, we are in this together. And I think we need that. Just like I needed to see my friends in Texas and work at something greater, I need us to connect and become stronger as we get through this.
Guess what my assignment is? She told me I have to go outside each day and face the sunshine. I know it will be painful, but yesterday (when my pain level was around a 5), but I was able to do it. My son, who is still young enough to want to, reached for my hand and walked me around our neighborhood to their various bus stops while we waited for my girls to get home.
I have other assignments including journaling and trying to return to my karate classes, too. Yes, that last one has a lot to do with getting me back in the company of good friends. Something as simple that and yesterday’s walk is like telling the grief, the depression, the migraines, ALL OF IT, “You’re not the boss of me!” Today I hurt a bit more, but I’m going to do my best to fight anxiety and get out of the house, go be with people I love and enjoy them. Allow myself to see and be seen again.
For Those of Us Hurting
For those of us hurting and wondering how to survive, we must allow good people, wise people to come beside us and offer their help. Bit by bit, we will become ourselves again. We won’t ever be exactly the same. The hurt has altered us forever and given us a different view. But, we can adjust and live a different life, capture these negative thoughts and discover what God has for us in this new and different landscape. We aren’t alone. This may sound simple, but I know it to be extremely hard.
So, friend, you’ve read all the way to the end. Why? Are you just concerned for me or do you relate to some of what I’ve been going through? I truly believe we are stronger together. We need one another to make it through this life, especially if we are in a season of struggle. Is there anything I can pray for you? I like to pray as I walk and since I have many walks in my future, it would be my privilege to lift you up. Let me know in the comments or on whatever social media platform or messaging system you feel comfortable using.
JacQueline is the author of Memoirs of a Headcase: Held by the God of Hope as well as The Journey series, a young adult fantasy retelling Rapunzel’s misadventures. She uses her writing to share stories of hope and joy. JacQueline currently lives in North Alabama with her karate husband and three book-crazy kids. All of her writing is from her own experience and based on her opinion. It should never be substituted for a professional therapist.
How to Survive Graphic Designs by JacQueline
Photo Credit: Jason Blackeye, Paola Chaaya, Jared Erondu, and Levi Guzman
