Failure. It’s a word none of us like. It means something didn’t work like it was supposed to. It’s enough to make you wonder, “What does God want me to do?” We have to analyze what didn’t work, stop justifying things that may be self-destructive, plan to make things different for the future. You don’t have to suffer from chronic illness to relate to the word. It is probable you have suffered a failure in your career, with your children, perhaps in your social life.
How do we analyze what’s wrong and learn from failure?
I planned to finish my third novel in April, sending it off to my editor before her summer break. Instead, I only launched my sequel. I wanted to celebrate having any of my fairytale novels, but part of me felt defeated as I found myself in this familiar spot . . . Why does my life feel like a series of failures? Do you analyze your life and feel this way? Could it be that we aren’t failing, but measuring the wrong thing?
Since the end of 2018, I have been planning . . . and stressing. I thought in order to follow the examples of successful entrepreneurs I needed to copy their habits. But as I analyzed my life in order to match it to theirs, all I ended up doing was comparing myself. I began vacillating between the healthy desire to grow and the all-too-tempting desire to decide I wasn’t good enough. When any of us do this, especially if we are living with some very difficult challenges, aren’t we setting ourselves up for failure?
He is a God who has a plan
I know that’s not God’s best for us. If I study the nature of God as expressed throughout the entire Bible, He is a God who has a plan, but it may not make sense at first. He doesn’t want any of us trying to live someone else’s life or someone else’s version of success. At the time of writing this, we are halfway through living 2019. We have come to that place where we must reevaluate our aspirations and make sure they line up with God’s desire for our lives.
When I was younger and deciding heavily-weighted choices of what job to take, where to live, who to marry, I thought there was one perfect choice. I thought if I got it wrong, I would ruin my life and there would be no going back. No pressure, right?
*sigh*
There is no joy in living this kind of life (and joy is what this blog is all about). What do I do with the fact that I am suffering from daily debilitating migraines and that though I’ve worked hard, I’m not yet making a living as a writer? If I just live a morally upright life and work hard, my dreams will come true, right? My (very 21st century American) dreams may need to be changed because I can’t see the whole picture. God has something else I can’t imagine already in development.
What does God want me to do with my life?
In the past, God has used a variety of things to grind away at my rough edges. Often, I bet you can relate, the process isn’t pleasant. The plans I had for my career as a young adult would not be compatible with the chronic illness I live with now. I didn’t know that, but God did, so maybe His plan involves something greater than my finite mind perceives.
My conclusion is this: God doesn’t want a certain life for me, He wants me to become a certain kind of person. I know He wants that for you, too. In the Old Testament, there is a famous passage that tells us to do justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with our God. (see Micah 6:8) This prophetic book tells of coming judgment for the nations of Israel and Judah (who hadn’t been living this way) but ends with hope as it also speaks of the restoration and joy of the coming Savior.
God doesn’t give a checklist of to-do items to put on your daily planner:
- Wake up at 5 AM
- Pray and study the Bible
- Exercise
- Make breakfast
- Send your children and spouse off with a kind word (or if your single, be kind to a neighbor or co-worker).
Nope, He gives you and I a check list of who to become. Someone who
- does justice
- loves mercy
- walks humbly with God
What to do with dreams and disappointment
“But–” we sputter “–what are we supposed to do with these plans and aspirations and dreams–and comparisons and failures and fears?” God is clear. We go to God humbly and ask Him, “Who do we need to uplift with justice?”
The Bible constantly tells us to look out for the oppressed. When stuck at home with a migraine, I can spend my time praying for those who are suffering. It may not feel like I’m giving much, but God has been insistent that I do this and it has changed me. To go further, why don’t we find unique ways to participate with and give to ministries that help them? When we are well, maybe we can give of our time as well. Those of us who have children can teach them to look out and stick up for outsiders at their schools or in their neighborhoods.
This is also how we can love mercy. As we read God’s Word, we will see how God is moved with compassion. He will change us to be more merciful, kinder if only we will ask. This will help me send my husband and kids off with a loving word, even when there are squabbles or my pain level is high. Can you see where God would have you practice mercy perhaps by forgiving frustrating co-workers or reckless drivers?
The hardest part of all
I realize as I write this that there is something else going on here. We have to keep recognizing we don’t know the best way to live our lives, to reach our goals, to plan for our futures. This is the essence of a humble heart and this is the plan. We continually walk back to God, head bowed low in recognition that we just can’t get there on our own. When we do this, He lifts our heads, changes our hearts. We can trust He will alter dreams that don’t line up with His will.
It’s not that we don’t have a to-do list anymore, it’s the way we approach the to-do list that really matters. If we are growing in Him, then He will change us. There is a list in the New Testament and we will look more like Galatians 5:22-23 than Galatians 5:19-21. Which list are you identifying with as you pursue your goals? I’ll admit, I often identify with the wrong list that has things like “fits of anger” and “jealousy,” especially when I am struggling with grief or migraines. But I want to love God and trust His plan enough to begin showing grace, gentleness, self-control . . . But that will have to be part two, my friends. And I will share with you here what tools are helping me move through grief and chronic illness towards healing.
A special “thank you” to Sheryl Chan for inviting all those suffering from chronic illness to link-up. If you are struggling with chronic issues or depression and are interested in knowing about my story and the hope God can give us, you can purchase Memoirs of a Headcase: Held by the God of Hope here.
Photo Credit: Ben White, Rosie Fraser, Nick Fewings, Alexa Williams, Tom Parsons, Plush Designs Studio, Kyle Glenn, Jazmino Quaynor, Sorin Sirbu
